sailorfrank

The fact of the matter is, that as much as I enjoy my loves being in love with other people. As much as I want them to experience all the good that they can. I do wish I could have someone in my life who I can be with and who can be with me as much as we can stand one another.

I'm tired of being the other man, only seeing my loves when they have spare time or when their primary partner allows it.

I would like someone who's first relationship priority is the relationship with me. Who I can spend New Years Eve/My Birthday with and it's not something that needs to be scheduled... it just is assumed. Someone who's birthday will be spent with me. Someone who can lie down next to me every night that I'm home.

I've become the kind of person it takes to be that kind of partner to someone. I've been that person for nearly two years now. And I'm getting better at being that kind of person every day.

But after spending the holidays alone again, my birthday at a party without a date (even though I have many loves, and an official girlfriend), it just became clear tonight why I felt so down.

I suppose it's easy to guess why the women I meet are in existing relationships, it's easier for someone to accept me as radical as I am, when they are secure themselves... and very few women I've encountered in my life feel secure with themselves outside of being in a relationship. Perhaps a large part is due to the fact that my positive qualities are looked on by single women as negative ones, whereas women in relationships see them as refreshing. Or that single women mature enough to appreciate my positive qualities have been so fucked over by men that the idea of open relationships of any kind is scarier than being alone.

I've asked the universe for a partner, and it keeps providing them... but they have thus far not been capable of primary relationships including me. Not that I resent them for this. I love them unconditionally and for who they are and what they are capable of.

Of course I'm not going to try to make of new relationships what they cannot be... that would be silly and I've grown far beyond that. I know that it will happen when it happens, and the best thing I can do is be open to possibilities.

So I guess the best thing besides that is that I've acknowledged this of myself, and perhaps in doing so I will feel better overall.