safeshadows

Ok so time to re-visit the past for a few...it's pretty recent. About 2 months or so ago I mentioned that guy on here that my cousin was trying to set me up with...he was charming and sweet and gentlemanly and then I got to know him and he's a deuschbag. Anyways, I hadn't confessed...or even to myself till recently that the way he treated me and the way I allowed him to treat me really bothered me. So I was on aim last night...I don't get on there very much or for very long...but he was on and I'd seen him online a few other nights this past week and I don't know why but it was really pissing me off that he wasn't IMing me. I mean I feel he did me wrong and so do the people that I've conveyed the story too...but I also know how he is and he doesn't view it that way. Anyways, I couldn't take it and before I could stop myself, I IM'd him. But I hadn't come out and asked him the questions that I was desperately seeking the answers to. 1-What is was about me that made me good enough to keep behind closed doors but not good enough to hang out with in public and get to know and 2-What it was that made him cast me away like I meant absolutely nothing as a human being let alone a girl with feelings?
I'm so freaking tired of being cast away and I want to know why I am so maybe next time I won't do those things and I won't get cast away. Anyways, I was totally having a major internal battle and I wasn't sure that I wanted to go there and ask him. I'm not sure that he was the one to give me the answers I was looking for and I thought I knew why. But on the same hand I kinda wanted to get my closure and be vocal about things for a change. But he ended up walking through the door marked trouble so I followed him. This is how the convo went. I don't think he got what I was saying and I don't think he really cared...but at least I put it out there and said most of what I wanted to and I'm happy enough with that. I also got the answers to those 2 questions that I wanted to ask without asking them.

Here's the convo if you're bored enough to read. He was shockingly graphic for a part of it, wasn't expecting it. But I did my best to take the high road and not bring out the claws and be mean...eh...I didn't completely get a chance to point out that while I don't want to be a friend with benefits, I don't know that I was looking for a relationship with him...just the potential or opportunity for there to be one...and that's how I fell into the trap the second time...he led me to believe that we'd get to know each other and date and if he decided he was ready for a relationship than we'd decide then...but his actions didn't match his words...that's why I was upset about it...he messed with my head...anyways...that's good enough closure for me!

Me: Hey
Him: hey
Him: whats up
Me: not much...just trying to get into facts.org
Him: cool cool
Me: I was going to ask if you could but then I remembered you weren't taking summer classes so you probably hadn't tried recently
Him: no and no i havent. sorry
Me: no worries...I'll just try again later...I know what my grade is...yet I'm still checking to make sure
Him: oh
Me: anyways...how've you been?
Him: good how abot you
Me: eh...good for the most part
Me: My best friends grandmother just suddenly died so I've been on call for her 24/7 lately
Him: oh well i'm sorry to hear that
Me: Thanks...things are fine now
Him: been being a good girl?
Me: I spose...how so?
Me: I haven't been arrested or anything
Him: i was thinking about you the other day
Me: Oh? Why?
Him: i was in land o lakes this weekened and i passed that tire kingdom on 54 and the veterans
Me: Oh....you were in my stomping grounds
Him: ya more or less
Him: just got a little excited, thinking about your lips wrapped around my cock
Him: lol
Me: Oh I see
Me: Is that all I was good for?
Him: no, but that was just what i was thinking
Me: Oh...nice save
Him: why thank you
Me: Assuming I believe you :-P
Him: so you dont
Him: i think you liked that you can be a bad girl too lol
Me: I'm not going to lie and I'm not ashamed of it...I did like exploring that side of me...but what I didn't like was that was the only side you wanted to explore
Me: It is what it is...the end result that we both wanted was just different
Him: more or less
Him: ii wouldnt mind exploring that side again
Me: Is that the only side?
Him: but like i told you before i'm just not looking to be in a relationship now, it is what it is like you say...at least you can still talk to me, i appreciate that
Me: I never said I didn't want to talk to you. But I also wasn't going to talk to someone that didn't seem to want to talk to me
Him: hmm fair
Him: so what now
Me: I have no idea
Me: While we're being honest...I didn't mind hanging out with you but I didn't like that you kept me behind closed doors and then cast me aside like I was only there for your entertainment when you saw fit and I don't kiss and tell and I really got tired of being lectured and drilled the next day about what I may or may not have done with you...I don't know that I trust things are different
Me: And it would be unfair of me to let myself fall into that trap for a 3rd time
Him: ok
Him: fair enough lol
Him: understandable
Me: I kinda thought/hoped you'd deny that stuff