Today is the first time in all of my years, that I feel bad about not going to work. Even more intruiging is the fact that I have a legitimate reason. I feel like death.
Death surrounds me, it has engulfed me in its morbid beauty and I cannot, for the life of me, find my way out. Today I have realized, I don't have any good reason to be on the planet. I fail my boyfriend daily, I can't help my mom to make her situation better because mine is just as unstable, and I feel like every one of my friends feels as if they can no longer count on me because of the emotional mess I've become. I do belive it is time for a little therapy.
Poor Richard. He deals with my emotional rollercoaster with an adorable smile on his face and still I continue to torture him. Why do I do it? I have no idea. I don't want to. I want to love him and care for him and tell him what a wonderful human being he is, but all I can do is point out his very few flaws and turn them into the biggest problems on the planet. I am a waste of his time.
I miss my mom all the time. I just want to be there for her and make her life perfect, because, God knows, she makes my world go 'round. And even though I know its not my job, as her child, to take care of her, I can't help but feel like I'm letting her down by not being able to pay her bills and be there when she needs a shoulder to cry on. And really, all I want is to be a kid again and have someone take care of me, and make all my pain go away with a bandaid and a kiss. Maybe I should just go home. I'm not cut out for this Orange County stuff.
The truth is, I'm tired of being strong for myself. Of crying on my own shoulder just because I'm afraid my friends are going to tell me to stop crying and do something with my life. Isn't that what friends are for? To guide you? To give you advice? You hold you when you cry and to help you through your problems when they become to big for you to carry? Thats what I do for my friends. Thats what Maddie does for me. Are we the only two SANE people on this planet? And really, I know its not any of your fault. I know that if you lived closer, you know, talked to me everyday, you'd be there for me. At least, thats what you're going to say when you comment. But really? Would you be able to handle it? I'll be the first to admit, I have considerable baggage. Do you really think you'd be able to be a real friend and listen? Or would you be like Lauren and get so sick of hearing about how I'm depressed all the time and turn me over to some stupid book?
Death surrounds me, it has engulfed me in its morbid beauty and I cannot, for the life of me, find my way out. Today I have realized, I don't have any good reason to be on the planet. I fail my boyfriend daily, I can't help my mom to make her situation better because mine is just as unstable, and I feel like every one of my friends feels as if they can no longer count on me because of the emotional mess I've become. I do belive it is time for a little therapy.
Poor Richard. He deals with my emotional rollercoaster with an adorable smile on his face and still I continue to torture him. Why do I do it? I have no idea. I don't want to. I want to love him and care for him and tell him what a wonderful human being he is, but all I can do is point out his very few flaws and turn them into the biggest problems on the planet. I am a waste of his time.
I miss my mom all the time. I just want to be there for her and make her life perfect, because, God knows, she makes my world go 'round. And even though I know its not my job, as her child, to take care of her, I can't help but feel like I'm letting her down by not being able to pay her bills and be there when she needs a shoulder to cry on. And really, all I want is to be a kid again and have someone take care of me, and make all my pain go away with a bandaid and a kiss. Maybe I should just go home. I'm not cut out for this Orange County stuff.
The truth is, I'm tired of being strong for myself. Of crying on my own shoulder just because I'm afraid my friends are going to tell me to stop crying and do something with my life. Isn't that what friends are for? To guide you? To give you advice? You hold you when you cry and to help you through your problems when they become to big for you to carry? Thats what I do for my friends. Thats what Maddie does for me. Are we the only two SANE people on this planet? And really, I know its not any of your fault. I know that if you lived closer, you know, talked to me everyday, you'd be there for me. At least, thats what you're going to say when you comment. But really? Would you be able to handle it? I'll be the first to admit, I have considerable baggage. Do you really think you'd be able to be a real friend and listen? Or would you be like Lauren and get so sick of hearing about how I'm depressed all the time and turn me over to some stupid book?
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We all wear armor to protect our hearts. Sometimes the armor drags us down. That's where we need our friends... to help take off that armor and rest in the safety of like-minded people. The ones who turn you away, they aren't your friends. I wish I could give you a kiss, a hug, and a band-aid to make it all better, but I cannot. Moments like these help define your character, and your worth as an individual. Dont go thinking that your useless or that you should die, because no matter how bad it gets, it eventually WILL get better, and then you will shine. I told you once before, you need to make reality your bitch and drag it screaming. moments like this is where you need to kick it the most. Stay strong, no matter who turns their back on you, know that I am rooting for you and I know you will come back, bruised and bloody but stronger then ever.
I am always here if you care to chat...
PS> Sorry for the novel.
-Red.
[Edited on Sep 12, 2005 11:01AM]