sabine

i'm home alone and will be until saturday. no huge parties. and no small ones. heh. but it has actually been nice. kinda getting a feel for how it will be to live on my own..only i'll be much much poorer of course. i'll also be more productive. i cleaned up, b/c there's no one else here to go right after me and mess it up and jeez, they really do, so i usually don't bother. i even cooked tonight. typically i live off of lunchables and frozen pizzas. haha.
right now i'm eating v-day chocolate i got for half price today. and thinking about how wonderful it would be if there was some simple way you could make the person you care about most in the world see that things will get better. especially when you're not always so optimistic yourself. how to help someone that's standing at that place you know so well. it's been so many years since i've been down enough to actively want to kill myself, but i can still relate. you never forget that complete despair. but understanding isn't enough. in a way, i feel like this is my second chance. with my best friend who took his life in august, he came to me and i didn't know what to say. i cried a lot. i tried to talk him out of it. but eventually i was just incredibly frustrated and i said i give up. i told my best friend of 6 years that i gave up b/c i didn't know what the hell else to do. i know i know i can't blame myself. but what do you do when you're already so close to the edge and someone you love gives up on you? though even now i can't decide what i would've said. i just know that i wouldn't have left his side. i would've tried so much harder if i knew he was serious, you know. and that whole month leading up to that point, when i was visiting AL, i'd do everything so differently. and i know it doesn't matter now.. but in the present someone i care about more than anything in the world is close to that edge. and i'm so worried. before we always kind of had a pact. even when our lives were the suckiest, we were in this together, and we wouldn't leave each other. especially after kyle.. but now she's heartbroken and even a sister's love can't heal that. i can only offer understanding..and try all i can to help her see the world differently. i'm not giving up this time..