sabine

some days just feel different, you feel different and you don't know why. Today it felt like anything was possible. But none of the possibilities seemed positive. Have things really degenerated this much that this could be a culmination, even a call for personal revolution, or is it simply a change in perspective that's long overdue. discontent in itself is easy enough to ignore. Every thing in life from daily routine to hanging out with friends to drugs and alcohol to physical closeness to sex are just filler. Give me something so i don't have to stop and think about how i really feel or what's really wrong, or worst yet decide how to make changes. Nothing's easier than assessing that life sucks, but nothing seems more difficult than finding something better, than discovering this illusive thing called true happiness. Though i know better from experience than to count it off as an illusion. A goal to keep us going for sure, but not an invention, not ultimately intangible. But how to find it here and now, i don't know. I know the answer isnt in the media or advertising. I know it's not as easy as dress well lose weight fix yourself up make more money buy a nice car drink more of this beer and you can be happy. Money and beauty can both be fleeting and are ultimately unfullfilling. But what then? Once things were easy. It wasn't a fruitless search, or even a search at all...but life will always change. Things are taken, things are lost..
So life go on as usual, living my life by the rules of society, by daily routine, by the mindless pursuit of enough money just to get by. deeply rooted complacency ensuring things run smoothly, the comfort of sameness keeping away questions of change ... until i realize that it's regressing instead of progressing. An attempt at filling a void with materialism and shallow affection and entertainment just doesn't seem adequate any longer. I feel I'm slipping into painful self-analysis when i want to return to the easier way of ignorance. It's all about escape.
But for once i want to dive in, to really examine in hopes of some revelation... Staring at my reflection, until staring becomes sinking, sinking in through layers and layers of more confusion. I've come here for the answers, to the original source and the last resort but here everything is veiled. It's up to me, it's a task i don't welcome but i have no choice..and i have no idea where to start.. Every time i look i see something different. Now a feral animal with a twisted smile, maybe cowering in learned subservience, but maybe preparing to strike. And now i glimpse beauty, subtle and pure, nothing flashy, framed and contained by wide bright eyes and laughter. Then i realize my perception of is only a manifestation of my belief that everyone is beautiful during these brief moments of joy. For a second i feel like part of the human race and i feel good about it. For a second i slip away from overanalyzing, for a second i remember that priceless knowledge gained from childhood, that the only answer anyone has found is incredibly simple and obvious...to find joy in moments... happiness in the little eccentric things that make you smile. At the same time, having the answer is only a beginning because sometimes, well sometimes these little moments are so much harder to grasp...
And sometimes i just want to drive for a dozen hours and find myself in a better place or at least one i used to call home, with my sister, the only one who understands how you can think about driving over a cliff every time you're in the car alone but not be suicidal. we've agreed that things are just somehow...better, we feel somehow better when we're together. But we both have something resembling a life, each anchored over 800 miles apart. sadness and self-destruction. For me, the same, but more subtle .. And i weigh the consequences. Leaving everything here behind. Everything here doesn't seem to equal all that much. Leaving friends who never really cared (maybe i never let them get that far?), a boy who can never be mine..and who i wouldnt want to be, a huge university full of people who don't know i exist b/c it was easier for both sides that way. I make no connections and neither do they. With people, sometimes even subconsciously, i have this pessimistic attitude, sometimes i think why bother. People disappoint and hurt you. And i have this personal debate all the time, knowing that I'm ultimately very trusting and caring, knowing that i crave physical closeness and emotional connections. At the same time sometimes i want escape from all of this too.. I don't know which is more productive now. To hurt alone or to care too much and hurt more in the long run. There is no medium for me. No casualness or nonchalance. I say all of this but i know i won't change. And would i want to? My sense of self is vague at best, but it's all that's really left. Really i know that my sensitivity and compassion arent a curse, even with the inevitable pain, and i hope that someone will appreciate such qualities instead of taking advantage..
This is not a cry for help. This is not a call for attention. Just a pointless rambling transcription of what was going on in my head today... tomorrow I'll probably go back to forgetting and not thinking. smoking and tv and atari and studying chemistry. But today i can pretend that it matters that anything is possible.