sabine

i'm depressed but i know it's only because of my stupid period so it's ok.

for a few days i've been thinking a lot about things and people i've lost. my bruceycat whose kitty-greatness will never be surpassed. he was more my kitty than any kitty ever has been or will be. he followed me around always. whenever i sat down he was in my lap, always. it's been so many years since he died but i'll never stop missing him.

then there's kyle, and i think about kyle a lot more than bruce obviously. kyle was the love of my life, a best friend throughout across years and hardships. i always thought i simply couldn't live without him. but then he was gone and i had to. desire really is the cause of all suffering. i want him to see how well i'm doing now. i think he could've been happy if he'd just waited it out. sometimes i'm a little mad that he couldn't just stick around, that he was so short-sighted. but on the otherhand i've always felt everyone has the right to end their own life whenever they wish. i just miss him a lot. this is the fourth year since his death. there will always be some small void he left that no one can ever fill. i guess it's always like that with your first true love though.

i really am happy now. a lot happier than i ever could've been had i stayed in alabama so i can't feel guilty for leaving, even if i could've helped him more there. i had to live my own life. i daydream about moving, seeing exciting places. i don't like the idea of staying in one place for too long. but then i think about my boyfriend and the amazing friends i have here and i don't want to leave unless they all come with me. i could never be more comfortable or more...myself around anyone than my current friends. i love them so much. ah, hormones have turned me into one emo bitch