saber_

Well here we go..where to start though? A young girl sitting in the Forest while her mother picks tea berries? No..that would seem all to fairy tale like ( although my mother did do this with me haha) So There I was ....My first year of middle school... staring in terror as i hopped on the bus full of "big kids". bleach blond, wearing the most nerdy glasses, and of course my favorite Unicorn and rainbows shirt i approached the back seat and sat alone. I looked around and knew life was just about to take a switch and then i put my knees up, accidentally pulling the girls hair in the seat before me as it draped over the back of her seat. "oh no" i thought as this angry older girl turned around with rage in her eyes. "first day and i messed up already" i began to almost cry. She saw this and instantly snapped at me and said " IS THAT ALL YOUR GOING TO DO???SIT AND CRY AFTER I CUSSED YOU OUT??? Girl...come sit with me...i think i need to give you a little 101". That my friends is how i met my Best friend Luvie. Raised confused thinking god ( my father is really christan even though he rocked in a heavy 80s hair metal band back in the day) was going to strike me down even if i uttered a curse word or did anything with argument or fight, i had now begun my way up the latter of NOT GIVING A Fudge about what others thought.

Threw the school years i acquired a reputation. I dressed in black, corsets, armwarmers, gloves, studs, trip pants. i didn't view it as most of the others in school did..as ugly dark...devilish. I saw beauty in the darkest of things. As the girls of my class would be playing date games and talking about styles I was drawing Hitler stashes in my history books and zoning out the window at such beautiful days i was missing..i could never focus this was a cause of my disability i come to find out about later in my life. I was a outcast. I was picked on everyday for the littlest of things. clothing, style..it was a constant battle and my school wasn't just a normal school. It was i guess you could call it...ghetto. Stabbings, constant Drug busts, Fights at least twice a day in the halls, several a day on the outskirts of the school. I had to either scare or be scared one of the lessons Luvie taught me.

As i fought my way threw highschool between battling several disabilities forming into one i also dealt with my Father being alcoholic. He was a whisky drinker..a stern christan...wisky drinker...now...im sure you can only imagine the shit i would go threw everyday. In fact im sure a good bit of you sadly understand as well. He would black out and things would go down hill. This also caused a lot of trouble and trauma to my brain.

In the end..although i had Luvie..i was locked out from the world. I was grounded almost all the time *no friends No TV no phone etc* living in the woods so i couldn't walk to anywhere. where was my escape? i would look in the mirror at myself knowing that i was made for more than just sitting in a secluded box of a room controlled by my overlycontroling father..i knew something was out there but i had little hope and faith..and then i happen stumble across a photo one day while i was allowed to use the internet for a school paper (of course i was side web surfing haha). It was @Radeo. Her Face..her look..her artwork...how proud she showed herself. There was no question in confidence no question of what others thought or cared. This Gorgeous girl did not give a flying fizzle cracker about any of it..she knew she was gorgeous, she knew how unique and one of a kind her body is. I was sucked in by then...I started looking at all the SGs. They gave me hope to be beautiful in my own skin, how I thought fit, not others.

As i watched over the years of how beauty standards changed i of course formed and molded over time but still being the "freak" i am i stuck to my guns and didn't let others disapproval get to me. Art was my life at this point. I dabbled in all forms from photography to waterpaints to metal work. Once i Graduated from that horrid school i was found lost again. Dad had given me a month to find a job and place on my own (he is old school believes that once your 18 you should have your shit together and get out) I had no luck at finding a job. This town was so small and anyone who looked at me thought i was some kind of devil worshipper around here. The last day of the month came and i had no where. I had 400$ saved up by then so as my dad kicked me out i hopped on a train to Georgia. I stayed with two really amazing online friends i had known for around 4 years by then. One had a subscription to the SG site and started showing me what the ladies of the site were really about. There was no competition, no shame , all the girls were just having fun being themselves showing the true beauty of the body and art. It made me feel so comfortable and confident in my body. All the unique different curves, scars, oldschool tattoo work, piercings, colored hair...it was all so beautiful to me i wanted to pursue this..i wanted to be that inspiration towards other girls lost in image battles with themselves. By the end of my days in GA i received a message from a old friend saying he had a room available i could come stay with him back in PA. I jumped on the opportunity of course missing my forest life and my family.

As i settled back into my home state of PA, i met some of the most wonderful inspiring people in my life in the town my friend had me move to with him. These people were also inspired by the lifestyle and beauty of what suicidegirls had to show. I learned to be fully confident in myself. I learned to be open and know what true love, friendship, and even pain is during these years. To embrace the pain was to only know there was hope for the future. During the next two years I had a couple awesome/ Crazy things happen.

1. Kicked out of my friends for his girlfriend to move in Unexpected after i introduced them to each other. (all my shit was outside the door with a note as the place was locked as he also had not included my synth which he proceeded never to give back ending our friendship) Moved in with my new best friend who i ended up living with for 2 more years.

2. Started Apprenticing as a tattoo artist

3. Started Modeling towards my goals of becoming a SG hopeful.

During the time i started looking for photographers to pursue modeling so i could get comfortable behind the camera. Sadly to say comfort is not what i found. Listening to one of my clients who would come into shop at the time, i set up a shoot with a guy who i heard was pretty set in stone. I ended up meeting him in a Dollar store parkinglot and was asked to get in the car to go to the shoot site..of course at this time my instincts should have been like.."fuck that ill drive" but nope, young me got in and we started to drive. His car smelled like burnt hair and cigarettes as i rolled the window down for fresh air he passes a flask over telling me to try it. At this point im starting to really get uneasy but calmly deny the flask. As we got to the shoot he began to set up mumbling to himself. Finally we began to shoot. Mind you this was suppose to be a causal CLOTHING on shoot..he started pushing me to try to "loosen up" and get undressed. i didn't mind a strap off the shoulder but he kept pushing. By then he was up in my face with the camera. As i started backing away he put his camera down and tried to grab a hold of me to "cuddle" it was a struggle..but i kicked him right in the goods and booked it. Luckily there was a car driving by the place ..i risked getting picked up rather than trying to hide.

After that horrid experience i shied away from modeling...altho everyday i would look at SG..at the beautiful girls being such a inspiration to me. I would find myself looking in the mirror questioning my figure..my beauty ..was i good enough? was it a sign that i had a bad run in? I started loosing a little hope and pursued my career in the Tattoo business and then the first huge turn of my life began. I became preggers with my lovely little man at age 20. After i had pushed this tiny minion out of my Vah JJ and tamed the savage cuteness that was my own child, i began to look at my body again with big insecurities. Finding the massive stretchmarks left on my inner thighs, tummy, and butt i began to where baggy long clothing and so began the "mom clothing" scene. Although i kept my piercings and crazy colored hair i shied away from anything showing booty belly or legs. Finally after 2 years of catching up with life and keeping up with my son i began to work out and become motivated. THEN!!!!! my second minion made her appearance and surprised us as i was in the E.R. thinking i had kindey failure i found out i had her instead making me silly prego sick. SO began another 9 months of "i wish i had worked on my mom bod sooner cuz now im going to have to work harder". During this time i looked to SG in love of the girls who where not afraid to show there scars and curves. They gave me so much hope and courage that i could get my old body back, better yet a better more beautiful one. My stretch marks are my battle wounds i shouldn't be ashamed.

As i finally birthed my last lovely little minion i had no doubt in my mind i would get back to where i wanted. I started on a proper healthy diet while looking to my SG ladies for fitness and health motivation. They led me very well! @Vayda and her IG account was the biggest help with keeping my chin up and looking at new healthy ways of diet and life. After a year of diet and yoga with of course some pizza and beer on the side i can say iv never been happier with my body. @Suttin and @Twwly showed me there is no reason to not feel beautiful during and after pregnancy. Twwlys set "a little cockledoo" blew my mind away! All these girls and so many more have truly gave me a eye opener on life and to not be ashamed of who YOU want to be. You only have one life. Do what makes you proud and happy!

When it comes down to my story, the true reason why i want to be a SG, I want to inspire the world. Not just threw body, artwork, scars, and portraits, but as well to show all the people who doubted and put me down saying my choices my tattoos my piercings etc would lead me nowhere, this is a big FUCK YOU im happy in my own skin and i am proud to not ever give up trying on my goals. I will sit here with a big Grin on my face knowing that i have a world of choices opening up everyday. I am now officially back at my tattoo shop apprenticing under a great artist and will continue to model,travel, and pursue my dreams of becoming a SG and a well known Tattoo artist as well as being a loving mommy of two amazing minions. With that i say thank you @missy For creating this wonderful site for all of us to share, chat, and appreciate the true beauty of being fully confident in your own skin.