I think I'm going to write this and come back in about an hour, write something else. Things I need to say but not sure if I really turn this into a regular emo-sissyboy whining about his ex girlfriend. It does get tiresome to read, I know that.
But you see, its like this.
She emailed me a bunch of photos a few days ago, of her new place and her new friends, and it was great to get them: to imagine where she is, and for an excuse to think of her all sun-kissed and happy. And then there was a photo of him. Of her and him; not kissing exactly but looking like they had just finished or were just about to.
This is paranoid; i'm telling myself. You asked her straight-up a couple of months ago if they were seeing each other, and she said "no, of course not, just good friends"
but now I freak out completely and text her, ask her if there's something she wants to tell me.
And now she phones again today, "to talk about this". And its fine for the first hour, we talk and she tells me that I'm not going to stop her doing exactly what she likes/ wants to, and I know what that means. She said that from the start (from the morning after I first kissed her and she told me she was still going away) and I knew she meant it. I accepted it, but I hoped for something different...
and so it was good to talk to her, it felt like it used to; talking about ants and lizards and dumb punk music. I had nearly let her get off the phone once when she told me.
"we've been doing stuff"
the weird thing is that this didn't feel as bad as I'd been expecting. weirdly, the reality of knowing that she had been sleeping with someone else wasn't that awful (it felt like a swift kick in the stomach, a caffeine high). What hurt was her admitting that she had lied to me in the past, which just made me sad more than angry or upset...
She tells me that "it's not like it was with you; we're not going out together or anything" and I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Its just drunken sex with someone who is there.
god, I don't know anything anymore.
But you see, its like this.
She emailed me a bunch of photos a few days ago, of her new place and her new friends, and it was great to get them: to imagine where she is, and for an excuse to think of her all sun-kissed and happy. And then there was a photo of him. Of her and him; not kissing exactly but looking like they had just finished or were just about to.
This is paranoid; i'm telling myself. You asked her straight-up a couple of months ago if they were seeing each other, and she said "no, of course not, just good friends"
but now I freak out completely and text her, ask her if there's something she wants to tell me.
And now she phones again today, "to talk about this". And its fine for the first hour, we talk and she tells me that I'm not going to stop her doing exactly what she likes/ wants to, and I know what that means. She said that from the start (from the morning after I first kissed her and she told me she was still going away) and I knew she meant it. I accepted it, but I hoped for something different...
and so it was good to talk to her, it felt like it used to; talking about ants and lizards and dumb punk music. I had nearly let her get off the phone once when she told me.
"we've been doing stuff"
the weird thing is that this didn't feel as bad as I'd been expecting. weirdly, the reality of knowing that she had been sleeping with someone else wasn't that awful (it felt like a swift kick in the stomach, a caffeine high). What hurt was her admitting that she had lied to me in the past, which just made me sad more than angry or upset...
She tells me that "it's not like it was with you; we're not going out together or anything" and I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Its just drunken sex with someone who is there.
god, I don't know anything anymore.
elisabeth:
It's going to get better, the time and the distance will make it so. Wow, it feels like you are writing everything that was in my head from about Nov-Feb. There's a reason why you're not supposed to be together, and sometimes that reason doesn't manifest itself for a very long time, in some cases, if ever. Painful reality checks give way for extra intense development of your heart, mind, and soul. I'm going check up on you often, if that's ok 