rye8

i;m sorry... this is my last goodbye

tonight was horrible. it was meant to be a nice night of hanging out with my friends. something i cherish the most. i was in a great mood, ready to hang out etc.. but then something got ot me..

it was not anything anyone did, or anything anyone said to me. ive had things bottled up inside of me for a very long time. and i think tonight, things exploded inside my head.

i can't handle my life right now. i'm not saying i have it bad at all. im not saying my life is hard at all. but its just not where i want to be, and not what i want to be doing, or not how i pictured things. i know i bitch and moan about me being "old" a lot. but this time it's real. im 28 years old. i need to stop acting like im 18 years old. my body, physically and emotionally cannot handle this. i feel myself breaking down piece by piece every moment of the day.

i cant deal with a lot of things in my life right now. i am not satisfyed with anything i have ever done. mainly because i havent done much. what have i done with my life? i fucked up my college education over a girl. i work at a a job i cannot stand. ive done nothing but fuck up every aspect of my life. im not happy with who i am, or how i act. i feel like i am a fraud. to my friends, my family, and even more important, myself.

tonight, as i drove home, i cried my eyes out. because im not happy. i cannot pretend to be happy. i cant fake it any more. i am miserable. im horrible. im not a good friend. im not a good boss. im not a good family member. im a horrible human being..ive lied to myself a million times in thinking that i am worth anything to anyone. the people who mean most to me, seem to walk all over me, or just not even really care about me.

i hate the fact that i am miserable. im 28 years old and dont have any concept of being responsible. i blow my money on booze and stupid shit. mainly booze. i have a problem. i am admitting it. i hide behind a bottle of beer. pretending that my life really means anything to anyone. what the fuck have i accomplished? i should be saving money to have my own house, or be able to pay for a ring for a someone, or whatever. im 28 years old with a salary job, and live day to day with money. ive gone 5 months without car insurance. i pay bills late. its been 3 weeks since i had to renew my liscence plates. have i dont it? no. why? because im fucking lazy. it isnt a wonder that i am not in jail yet.

i hate myself for getting involved in anything. anything i try to do, i only fuck up more. i try to have a relationship, i try to get comfortable, but end up screwing things up in the end. because, i cannot handle myself, let alone handle anything in my life. i am one huge fuck up. and tonight i realized that.

on my christmas eve i was talking to my parents about how i hate my job and i want to get out. and i told them what i wanted to do. my mom looked at me and rolled her eyes..and that hurt. my mom is one person i do not want to not support me, but she doesnt understand what i want to do with myself. i want to be happy doing something i want. and it tore me apart that my parents dont approve of what i want to do. i fell like i am one huge disappointment to them. i fell like a huge fuck up to them.. as well as to my friends.

i want a lot of things in my life right now.
but the most important thing to me is being happy with myself.
and i dont see that happening anytime soon....