runround

so i hauled ass at 15 to go runaround and be a hellion, and she told me that if i left i couldn't ever come back. when i left my ma re-developed an old drug habit, and fucked up a bunch of shit spent lots of money she didn't necessarily have and pissed off a lot of people including her partner of 17 years. they all blamed it on me. constantly her friends would call my grandma and tell her how much i had ruined her life, what an awful kid i was. now mind you no one ever cared why i left or how they had treated me just that i had made her be bad. she cleaned up went through rehab (twice) and got her life back on track. then we started talking again and i moved back out here got a house and started working for her girlfriend. before christmas she offered me a job with her at the deli, it was HER idea, and although i was reluctant, i accepted thinking oh this will be fine till i get in school and her counter girl does suck it'll all be cool. i was so fucking wrong. she is a selfish cunt. which is fine in general but aggravating when it's your mother. anywho she relapsed a month or 2 ago. went crazy pissed everyone off viv (her girlfriend, who owns the place we work and the house i live in, what can i say the rent was cheap) fired her from the deli and kicked her out of the house, so who did she come stay with, ME. for like 2 weeks she was here crying and moping about being miserable because she had ruined her own life. she lied to me a lot during all of this, and now i find it difficult to trust her. basically since then everything has been a nightmare. all because she doesn't want to have to take responsibility for her actions, well mostly she doesn't like the consequences. she's moody and hormonal to begin with but now it like spin the scootie mood wheel and see what we get. it's important to me that my ma be happy. and in the begining of all this i was incredibly supportive and drove her to the shrink and let her read shit from books to me and listened to her bitch and whine constantly. its wearing on me i must say. mostly because she could care less whats going on with me. everything ends up being a competition, if i have a problem and i go to her with it for comfort or advice, her problem is always worse. like if i stub my toe she's getting her foot aputated. i know i can't expect her to drop everything and run to me like i'm 6 but it'd be nice if it seemed like she cared about anyone but her. i feel alone and unstable like my support system is crumbling and i constantly think about hauling ass again. but she's the only family i have left. my grandma is crazy and has stolen from me on more than one occasion, my aunt is likewise a lunatic and just constantly beats me down about everything, my uncle is an abusive drunk and i can't deal anymore and i haven't seen my father or heard from him or of him since i was like 9. i basically have one positive supportive person in my life and he's 2,500 miles northwest. and although the fact that he listens to my blubbering all the time is amazing and i can't thank him enough it's not fair to him. i just want someone to come kidnap me.