run_rabbit_run

Sometimes I feel like you just have to put ego and pride aside.. but with that often comes having to put some portion of your self respect andself worth aside just to survive. Nodding and agreeing, telling them what they want to hear. Speaking softly, not making eye contact, pretending im invisible. I definately loose something of myself in the process. I feel like a beaten dog. Skiddish and doubting my every move. twitching everytime I hear a noise. But this is all so counterproductive. I doubt, I make mistakes, maybe even digging myself deeper in a hole. Actually.. that's how i feel. Like I'm looking up at the world from inside, at the bottom of a ditch or hole. Watching the world around me. What the fuck is going on with me? Seriously.. enough of this shit. Why do I get stuck in these situations? God I wish I was in the position to say "fuck you.. fire me".. The bullshit of late has taken a serious toll on me mentally and physically. I'm sick again.. my lungs are like stone. I need to change my life... there has gotta be some kind of productive thing I can do... I want to make enough money to not be afraid anymore, and yet do somethign good for people.. make my mark on the world.. Maybe I should look into non-profits? I mean..i really really don't make alot here.. it's not like I would end up taking a pay cut.. Maybe Kharma is kicking my ass for something?

I need a detox..

I just did a search for "spiritual detox" and "mental detox" in google.. and the majority of the responses were selling something... what kind of shit is that? success comes from scamming the world out of it's money.. taking advantage of weekened or troubled people like me? Maybe the human race deserves to be whiped out...