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So.. I come into the office this morning, very unhappy about how much i dislike this job, my career, my uncontrolled fear of relationships, and my place in this fucked up world of ours. Oh and how broke I am.
So the guy who kinda manages my office (little background, we are a field office with 8 people, all sales, except for me.. marketing operations. Our home office is in San Diego). So he announces a corporate casual dress code.

I sit alone in my little cube away from everyone all fucking day. What does it matter how I'm dressed. I have to dress up to sit alone? Fuck man. So I can be more miserable than usual. I have no desire to do any work, no motivation, a sour attitude and a real meloncholy feeling lately.

I went to kendo Friday night, and sensei said I really need to work on a bunch of stuff.. went home and went to bed. Saturday, I tried to do some job searching for a bit. There's just not much out there. And I'm stuck working in this shithole of a business. it pretends to be so hip and cool (promotion and sports marketing), but it's just like any other corporate entity. My boston office hosted a party to celebrate a deal with a company called Fan Nation on Saturday night at the Foundry (www.thefoundry.info) it's a SICK venue, lots of booze and food. But it was full of button downs and khaki's with pleats... you know the type. I am so out of place in this industry. it makes me want to scream.
I believe that the way I feel must be what a closeted gay person feels like. This just isn't me, and I want to tear off my shirt and say "this is me". I know we work to live, but I'm just not making enough money to live.. and I'm stuf here. And I feel like I'm trapt in a world where I don't belong.

remember when we were kids, and we believed in Fairy Tales? Fantasy was a pure and innocent escape. Why can't I believe anymore? I need that escape, if not physical.. somethign to set my mind free. To take the edge off this place.

To make things worse... I have been hanging out with this girl. She's cool, cute and I thought interesting. Well things have been getting .. not serious... but familiar.. But she's becomeing a little too driven in the corporate world. She's about to get a job at Sax as a copywriter.. and make $20k more than me.. and she's almost 10 years younger than me.. and she's loving it.. and clothes, and fancy things.. and talking about gucci bags, and labels and stuff.. I can't take it.. She came over last night and I made dinner.. but I just wanted her to leave. My skin was crawling, and I wanted to leave.. I knwo she wanted to have sex, our sex has been really good.. But I just didn't want to.. I wanted to be left alone.. I like alone.. LOVE alone.. I pretended to fall asleep to get her to go.
I have got to break things off, although she may be getting the hint. I just don't need the pressure of having to tell this girl i don't want to see her anymore on top of the work shit. Why can't I pretend with her.. or at work.. or anywhere?

I think about my friends Orrin and JR.. Tattoo artists, whos do what they love.. make good money doing it, and can be themselves at work. Why can't I have that? Why do I always have to pretend?

Anway.. depressing rant over.

Saw Pan's Labrynth yesterday...

Woah... great movie, interesting story, really talented actors, flowing storyline.. Mind blowing effects...<-- speakingof which, I have to say how pleased i was at the amount of live action, makeup effects, rather than all out CGI effects, which seems to be the direction so many movies have been going.

One word of caution.,.. as beautiful and fairy-tale like the film seems, there are some relatively disturbing images and scenes in it.

this guy in particular..



but either way.............. go see it....

I also found the spanish language and subtitles to fit really well. The spanish flowed well, and it's beauty fit the story.

Del Toro created a fantastic story..

ok back to my ever deepening sadness and crap job...