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your words to me just a whisper
your face is so unclear
iI try to pay attention
your words just disappear

'cause it's always raining in my head
forget all the things I should have said

so I speak to you in riddles because
my words get in my way.
i smoke the whole thing to my head
and feel it wash away
'cause I can't take anymore of this,
i want to come apart.
or dig myself a little hole
inside your precious heart

I just rediscovered this song on an old mix cd from 9th grade. It fits perfect.

I feel like a hypocrite in regards to one of you, and I'm sorry I'm so lost for you. That I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I really have no idea what I'm doing.

I spent yesterday in the mountains with my sisters friends. I've know them since I was 3. We stole the kids of the couple with three kids before they came up, and just hung out in the sun right by the river. I walked off into the woods past Elbow falls, jumped the barricade and hiked further along the ridge. I found a stone in the middle of the woods, and sat on it for a few minutes. I can't focus in the woods because my mind always wonders what might emerge.

I've wanted to cry so badly the past few days. But nothing will come. So instead I've been this numb...thing when I'm alone. And this shell of happiness as though nothing is wrong when I'm with others.

I saw the Island with Lauren, pretty good movie. I also bought hot pink polka dot shorts which I wore yesterday to the mountains. I was wearing them with a lime green shirt. I called myself the Human Skittle. I got new jeans too. And a pair of high heeled wedge sandals.

And now I'm listening to Switchfoot. Let That Be Enough. Another song from grade 9.

wish I had what I needed to be on my own
cus I feel so defeated and I'm feeling alone
and it all seems so helpless
and I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
with nowhere to land
and all I see, it could never make me happy
and all my sand castles spend their time collapsing.
let me know that you hear me, and let me know your touch
let me know that you love me and let that be enough.

I'm debating cracking out the Jets To Brazil for a little Sweet Avenue next...

EDIT: AND one year ago today I was sitting on a chair, in Switzerland, the first day in my life completely alone with no one near me for over an entire ocean, watching the dad in the family set off fireworks in front from me. This boggles my mind.

One year.