rubyrouge

My head and heart are in limbo. Nothing makes sense. I get so tired of being so fucking inconsistent. Nothing is one way or the other, like a pendululm it swings. What happened to the laws of attraction: either you like someone or you don't. Right? How can I not know? His heart is in my hands and I'm playing with it because .... because I am starved of poom poom action and its making me totally fucking loopy, there's a volcano in my knickers and and I might internally combust at any moment. I have lost the ability to think straight.

The scenario: I share a bed with a male friend who really fancies me whom I have told many times that I am not interested. I wake up in the morning with his arms around me. Totally innocent. We spoon and snooze for two hours. Little does he know that a giant puddle is slowly forming in my knickers. And since then something that was asleep has woken up and wont let me rest until I fucking release it and its driving me friggin insane. I feel it in my bones. It saturates every cell of my body. It makes me want to bite him, hunt him down and devour him like a predator. And yet I said the following to him today:

I don't feel the same way about you. I never have done, I never will.

I have the potential to really fuck some one over here...to hurt a friend I love, and instead of putting my utterly selfish desires to the back of my mind and being considerate, like an addict sitting back saying 'there's no point in saying no', I know I will watch myself be unable to resist and make a huge fucking mess out of this.