Last night I dreamt I had varicose veins. I must be worried about getting old.
I do think about aging.
There are two things I dislike about aging. But they are really blessings in disguise.
I get annoyed about how I can't do things recklessly anymore without thought about consequences. I never used to think about the future or the consequences of my actions, especially regarding drugs.
There was a time when drugs didn't make you feel stupid. I kept a bong in my locker at school and I never remember it making me feel incapable of learning. Other drugs were about experimenting and adventures and not habit like they more than often become...so there was never any sense of feeling guilty, no sense of worry that I will feel shit for the next week, no worry about losing brain cells. We used to smoke so much hash (there was no weed in Germany when I grew up) that we would use an electric toaster to fluff it up and a fucking shoe box to mix it with tobacco.
Nowadays its a different story. I smoke, I turn into an incapable, gibbering moron. You'd think it would stop me wouldn't you? I do drugs and I worry about precious brain cells. I think about how different my brain would be feeling right now if I had never touched anything? Or would it? I feel shitty for days afterwards... but is this me feeling shitty because I feel like I should do, I deserve to? Who knows...
The other thing about getting old which winds me up is not being able to embark on casual flings at the drop of a hat. I have things called ovaries. They make me do funny things. Like coo at stranger's babies. I hate it, i hate it, i hate it, but its fucking genetically programmed. It feels like its not my choice to feel this way, that's what winds me up. Part of me feels like I don't want to invest my energy in something if it's not going to amount to anything. But that automatically makes everyting so dramatic and serious and I HATE that.
But at the end of the day... although these things wind me up, I am content to grow up. The older I get, the happier and more settled in myself I become.
Besides all age is, is an accumulation of experiences. And if your experiences in life have been beautiful, surely age is a beautiful thing?
I do think about aging.
There are two things I dislike about aging. But they are really blessings in disguise.
I get annoyed about how I can't do things recklessly anymore without thought about consequences. I never used to think about the future or the consequences of my actions, especially regarding drugs.
There was a time when drugs didn't make you feel stupid. I kept a bong in my locker at school and I never remember it making me feel incapable of learning. Other drugs were about experimenting and adventures and not habit like they more than often become...so there was never any sense of feeling guilty, no sense of worry that I will feel shit for the next week, no worry about losing brain cells. We used to smoke so much hash (there was no weed in Germany when I grew up) that we would use an electric toaster to fluff it up and a fucking shoe box to mix it with tobacco.
Nowadays its a different story. I smoke, I turn into an incapable, gibbering moron. You'd think it would stop me wouldn't you? I do drugs and I worry about precious brain cells. I think about how different my brain would be feeling right now if I had never touched anything? Or would it? I feel shitty for days afterwards... but is this me feeling shitty because I feel like I should do, I deserve to? Who knows...
The other thing about getting old which winds me up is not being able to embark on casual flings at the drop of a hat. I have things called ovaries. They make me do funny things. Like coo at stranger's babies. I hate it, i hate it, i hate it, but its fucking genetically programmed. It feels like its not my choice to feel this way, that's what winds me up. Part of me feels like I don't want to invest my energy in something if it's not going to amount to anything. But that automatically makes everyting so dramatic and serious and I HATE that.
But at the end of the day... although these things wind me up, I am content to grow up. The older I get, the happier and more settled in myself I become.
Besides all age is, is an accumulation of experiences. And if your experiences in life have been beautiful, surely age is a beautiful thing?
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I`ll check tonight and see when she finishes. Speak tommorow.
No tells me to do some writing
But I get your point.