The nightmares continue, but I think I am getting the hang of it now. Again, last night's dream seemed to last forever. Luckily for me the sweltering heat woke me up before it got too redundant.
Naturally, I did next to nothing today. My three weeks of being a recluse is working out nicely and I think I might be ready to hit the streets soon. Around 600, I had to go get my mom from the dentist, and we went straight to the mall. We haven't been shopping together in a long time. It was nice spending some time with her. I think there is something wrong with her that my parents aren't telling me. She is going to the doctors almost twice a week every week, and when I inquire about it, she just says they are running some tests because her leg is giving her problems. I am trying to ignore it, because I think that is what they want me to do, but I really can't. I am hoping that everything is okay, and that she isn't withholding anything from me. I still firmly believe that my parents should/and will live forever, or at least longer than me. It's scary. She has been bringing up odd things, like what to do just in case something happens to her or/and my dad. It's making me nervous. I think my worrying is bring upon these dreams. I worry for my mother and I worry for my father all the time. If something happened to my dad, my mom would probably try to pull it together for my sister and me, but I don't think my dad could take it if it was the other way around. With all the divorces I see family and parents of friends go through, it's strange to see my parents the way there are. They are still in love, and just today my mom was saying how he drives her nuts when they go shopping together, "but it's okay, because he is my best friend." That was the cutest thing I have ever heard. You can tell how much he loves her, and that's what I love about my dad; he makes sure we all know how much he loves us and he always puts up with our shit, which is a lot considering he has to deal with three women. I feel really guilty and scared about going to school in SF, because I always get this feeling something bad will happen if my paranoid eye isn't watching over them. If something happens while I am gone, I don't think I will be able to forgive myself. "If something happens to us, please do one thing for me, stay in school and be independent so that you can build a strong life," she says. "Remember this and this, and you have your sister..," she says. If there is something wrong, I know why they aren't telling me. I can't handle it, plain and simple. I would just break down. I barely leave their sight as it is. Parents are magnificent people.
Only 24 days left.
It's all too much. The worry of it. I am trying not to think about what could be wrong and about the reality of me moving, and I am kind of proud that I haven't got low into depression this year. I was slipping for a bit, but I am doing well. The last couple of weeks I have been unforgivably cranky to some people, and I am amensly sorry for it. It's done, and I can say that I am happy amidst all the worry, and the cranky shit is over. There is just so much going on, and the feeling of not having anyone to tell makes my moods swing. When you don't have anyone to talk to, everything you feel seems petty.. and when you tell someone you don't really know, it all feels pathetic, as if you are whining to any or everyone. It's like I have so much more to say, but what's the point of breathing a single word if the person that is listening doesn't even care about me?
I am really thankful that Dean gave me this Sputnik CD way back when. Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed by something, it fits so perfectly, no matter if the mood is sullen or joyous. I love it. He couldn't possible know how much I love it, and it shows that little acts of kindness can mean so much to someone else.
I don't think I want to sleep this morning.
Naturally, I did next to nothing today. My three weeks of being a recluse is working out nicely and I think I might be ready to hit the streets soon. Around 600, I had to go get my mom from the dentist, and we went straight to the mall. We haven't been shopping together in a long time. It was nice spending some time with her. I think there is something wrong with her that my parents aren't telling me. She is going to the doctors almost twice a week every week, and when I inquire about it, she just says they are running some tests because her leg is giving her problems. I am trying to ignore it, because I think that is what they want me to do, but I really can't. I am hoping that everything is okay, and that she isn't withholding anything from me. I still firmly believe that my parents should/and will live forever, or at least longer than me. It's scary. She has been bringing up odd things, like what to do just in case something happens to her or/and my dad. It's making me nervous. I think my worrying is bring upon these dreams. I worry for my mother and I worry for my father all the time. If something happened to my dad, my mom would probably try to pull it together for my sister and me, but I don't think my dad could take it if it was the other way around. With all the divorces I see family and parents of friends go through, it's strange to see my parents the way there are. They are still in love, and just today my mom was saying how he drives her nuts when they go shopping together, "but it's okay, because he is my best friend." That was the cutest thing I have ever heard. You can tell how much he loves her, and that's what I love about my dad; he makes sure we all know how much he loves us and he always puts up with our shit, which is a lot considering he has to deal with three women. I feel really guilty and scared about going to school in SF, because I always get this feeling something bad will happen if my paranoid eye isn't watching over them. If something happens while I am gone, I don't think I will be able to forgive myself. "If something happens to us, please do one thing for me, stay in school and be independent so that you can build a strong life," she says. "Remember this and this, and you have your sister..," she says. If there is something wrong, I know why they aren't telling me. I can't handle it, plain and simple. I would just break down. I barely leave their sight as it is. Parents are magnificent people.
Only 24 days left.
It's all too much. The worry of it. I am trying not to think about what could be wrong and about the reality of me moving, and I am kind of proud that I haven't got low into depression this year. I was slipping for a bit, but I am doing well. The last couple of weeks I have been unforgivably cranky to some people, and I am amensly sorry for it. It's done, and I can say that I am happy amidst all the worry, and the cranky shit is over. There is just so much going on, and the feeling of not having anyone to tell makes my moods swing. When you don't have anyone to talk to, everything you feel seems petty.. and when you tell someone you don't really know, it all feels pathetic, as if you are whining to any or everyone. It's like I have so much more to say, but what's the point of breathing a single word if the person that is listening doesn't even care about me?
I am really thankful that Dean gave me this Sputnik CD way back when. Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed by something, it fits so perfectly, no matter if the mood is sullen or joyous. I love it. He couldn't possible know how much I love it, and it shows that little acts of kindness can mean so much to someone else.
I don't think I want to sleep this morning.
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
recipeforhate:
Thanks sweetie.
distra:
yeah, once at the first lollapalooza that I went to. nighty night time 4 me........ i haven't slept in two days, got... to.... sleep........ later 