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rubberduckytat

San Diego, CA

Member Since 2009

Followers 47 Following 40

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Friday Feb 26, 2010

Feb 25, 2010
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Its been a sobering week hence why Im not, dont have to work tomorrow so I indulged in some bourbon, I like it neat. Any bit of child in me (and apparently there was some left) grew up totally this week, and that isnt a bad thing just kind of sad. I can only claim to have fallen in love once so far as my life goes (tons of crushes, unrequited and whatnot though) and luckily I can very well claim the young dumb and nave defense about it all. But this time around I have only myself to blame, I decided against any sanity to look up that ex that I loved once upon a time (over six years ago) and only because I was curious as how he was doing (no animosity) and because that child in me hoped with him pushing thirty he had changed or at least grew.
Honestly to anyone out there chances are that those you hope have changed over time havent or if they have they grew up enough for someone else to find them and scoop them up either or it just means disappointment. To me it was in the form of not changing, in a way I really wish it was the other, I wish he grew up and was married, and hell with even as against reproducing I am, I wish he had the kid thing going on, that way I could be happy for him, wish him the best, laugh about old times, and say farewell. For me though talking to him was like nothing had ever changed which struck me the hardest because I have changed from that almost virginal 18 year old that I was when I first met him and when his supposed fucked up ness was so cool. Now though I know that those excuses about himself that he used to keep himself from working was only that an excuse. Sure granted he was depress (but really who isnt now a days) but he learned how to lie about what was wrong with him and I learned at that time to ignore reality and he was a good break from it. However once the real world and what can come of it hit me fully I realized just how childish he was and I was. I grew from that (not sure if it was my choice or just circumstance) and in my growing up I cut all ties with him no matter how hard he tried to get in touch with me (internet wise) blocking it all was my friend.
A few weeks ago though I was feeling melancholy and curious and with the encouragement of a close friend that didnt know the whole history I looked him up on facebook and added him to talk with him and find out about how his life became. Nothing had changed, except I had become the newest excuse (even though it would be a five or so year excuse) on why he couldnt live his life to its full potential, why he was still single, why he was living off of everyone, etcetera. All the things that I would be ashamed of saying if I was in his place he said, and knowing his background, in private I laugh at knowing all the bullshit that he was saying and then felt sad because I think that its not really a front, he really believes what he says rather it is true or not and in that it is as debilitating as anything real sadly. Myself I am not really were I want to be in life but am working toward it, and though I spoke the truth (or danced around it) I never blamed anyone for anything but just stated that I was working on myself and that even though some days it was hard I never stop.
reverendash:
It's ok that you looked him up. We are all curious creatures. You just wanted to know what happened.

Sounds like you have grown. smile
Feb 25, 2010

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