roxymonoxcide

Nonsense and I have been trying to get in touch with my first girl friend again for a while now. We had a bit of a falling out when we broke up and we didn't see her very much after that. I heard from her every once in a while and I tried to get in contact with her several times after that but she was kinda flighty and hard to get a hold of most of the time. So years went on and we would hear certain things...she enlisted in the air force...the broke it off with her boyfriend..etc. Then in 2003, nonsense and I got married and I focused more on our life and while I didn't forget about her..i just didn't put out that much effort to find her. I have since then tried every now and then to do a google search or a myspace search hopeing beyond hope that she will surface somewhere.
I came home today after having a strange day at disneyland with Froggy, Moogle and aidan to my hubby. He asked me if what her old boyfriend's name was..( 'Oh my god. He found her...or at least her old boyfriend..maybe I can get in touch with her!) I told him what I remembered and he confirmed that it was him...then he said..."it's bad news." (Oh no! I won't be able to get a hold of her because something happened to her boyfriend...) No. She killed herself. From what he could gather on the internet from others is that she died sometime in 2004. I have been searching in vain for 4 years.
she was the first girl I ever had feelings for and I can't even say goodbye to her. I can't even fully remember the last time I saw her.
I don't know if she ever even tried to find me. I just keep thinking over and over again..why? why did she do it? Why didn't she come to find me? why did she think she was alone? I know i'll continue asking why forever and i'll never know the answer.
RIP Tosha Michel. I loved you.