roxymonoxcide

I just wrote this really really long blog all about my parents. You know, one of those blogs that are about all the things that have been pent up inside that I needed to get out. It took me about a half and hour of soild typing and I accidently clicked on my mouse with my elbow....(dont ask) which was right over the refresh button. Maybe it wasn't for SGland to see. I mean it was some pretty horrible things that the world really doesn't need to know about my parents and therefore about me. Afterall, aren't we all guilty by association? I feel like I am everyday. And yet I do nothing about it because there is nothing to do. Nothing will help them change..even if it's for the better...the better of their health, wealth or otherwise. I don't have a solution that will work for them. It's never a pretty thing when you have your shit together more than your own parents. I mean, they are the ones that I am supposed to look to for example...for guidance. The only example I get from them is what not to do. And yet, now that I am a parent myself I have this nagging fear in the back of my mind that says that I will turn out to be just like that. Afterall isn't that what happens. Sooner or later, you become your parents. I try so hard to rebel against it. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown while in Norcal....I did what I always do in situations like that..punish myself. I am self destructive in more ways then one. I am not proud of what I did...nor am I going to be able to smile for a while when I look myself in the mirror. It didn't accomplish much of anything either except to give me a new problem to concentrate on. I can't worry about my parents now... I have my own problems. At least that's how I rationalize it.