roxy

About two months ago, my grandma went in to have surgery, because she had rectal cancer. Everyone was assured that it was a routine, easy surgery. We were told after the surgery that she had no other cancer in her body. I scraped together all of my money to fly and see her during recovery. She looked good.

Late last night she died. She was 62. Her whole body was being eaten by cancer, and she just slipped away in the night.

I'm in a weird, awful place right now. I was extremely close to her, and this is the first time I've lost someone close to me. If I really think about it, I go into hysterics until I can't breathe. I just can't believe this lively, healthy woman is gone.

My heart is aching, my head hurts from the crying, and my infections and anemia have all flared up again from the crying and not eating.

I just don't know what to do. So many things go through my mind. Her mother, 90 years old, is a mess. My mom, her daughter, is so distraught I just wish I could go to her and hold her. And my 5 year old brother, who she half raised, has to be told... how do you explain to a 5 year old? And he won't even remember her when he's older. And my children will never meet her, she'll never see her oldest grandchild's wedding (me).... her husband is now all alone in a big empty house...

I have to go now, and I'll probably be pretty absent for a little while. And I'm sorry to spill this here... but I needed to.