I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About Suicidegirls and what it's meant to me over the years, but mostly that I regret fading out and lurking from afar instead of being active in the community over time. I remember making dear friends almost immediately when I signed up and became a Hopeful. How nice it felt to be in such a welcoming community of women who encouraged and supported each other. Strong women who broke rules and social boundaries without apology. I loved that, and still do.
When I was younger, images of Vargas girls would captivate me. I thought yes! This is feminine beauty, these women lounging nude or in negligees, soft and lovely. Or Gil Elvgren paintings, which were playful and bright and sensual in a more flirtatious way. I wanted to look like that. I wanted to feel like one of those women- sexy, confident, in charge of their bodies. And when I found Suicidegirls and realized there was a modern day version of that, I was in love! I wanted to be part of something like that. I still do.
I think what really solidified backing off the site for me was when someone, "a friend of the family", outed my account to my family. My Mom still won't tell me who it was, but it caused a bit of drama within my family, and it's so frustrating for me to think about, how it all could have been avoided if just a single person could have minded their own business. It's not that I'm ashamed- it's that I always knew they wouldn't understand why I love and do what I do, and I was right. It really spooked me, to be honest.
I have the same uncertainties surrounding other avenues of the adult industry as well. I've dipped my toes into amateur porn, and I finally made a pornhub account last night, and I love it, and I'm having so much fun, but I keep constantly asking myself what would happen if my family saw it. Porn would get an even stronger reaction than Suicidegirls. Like, disowning level reaction (which I think is silly, but what can I do about it).
I don't know if I'll ever submit another set. I want to, but I'm being an indecisive, discouraged cry baby about it. I guess I needed to rant here. Try to reconnect here, or something like that. I miss you guys 💗 Thanks for giving me the chance to be apart of this place @missy @rambo
