I am so grumpy right now.
The fucked up part of this is that I actually had a pretty good day. I woke up to Rob asking me to come outside. Apparently Mooey had gotten into the storage closet outside when Rob was getting them food, and she wouldn't come out. So I put some sweats on and shuffled outside.
She came right to me.
So I stayed outside with them for a while, and Rob left for work. As I sat out on the cold cement with Mooey in my lap and the unnamed kitten at my side, I decided to make another house for them so they didn't have to fight over the one.
Everything deserves somewhere warm to sleep.
So, after spending a good hour outside, the cats have a heating blanket warmed duplex.
Rob and me went to Seattle. It was lovely. The air was chilly and crisp, people were in good moods, and dinner was delicious.
I went to my talking doctor today, and I donno. Maybe talking about all this shit that comes up makes me less able to hide my feelings on the matters. But I have been pissed off all day over the fact that my mom and dad are selling everything I have ever known. And what they aren't selling, they are getting rid of or it's dying.
They have sold the house that I grew up in and the 60 acres attached to it. They will be out by the first of the year. They are selling the place in New Zealand that I have grown to love, even if I don't make it down there as much as I'd like. I get to go down in March to say good-bye, and then it's gone.
All of the cows except for 3 have been sold, to meat makers or whoever. We used to have 8 goats and all but three have been killed by cougars. Two ferrets are now sick with incurrable diseases. Please don't laugh at me...I grew up with these silly animals.
And as if all this shit wasn't lovely enough, my parents' marriage is falling apart. Whenever you ask them about the reasons they are selling things, they say, "Oh it's a good offer. Lots of money." It makes me fucking wonder...ya know? Like if they are so ready and fine with forgetting about things they once loved because it is in their best financial interest, than what does that say about their marriage? If they have reached the point where love is only as attractive as the "perks" it provides, then it's a wonder they lasted this fucking long. They don't love each other. They love the way the other makes them feel. And when the $$$ isn't there for them both to distract themselves with, shit hits the fan.
Lovely...aint it?
And so I feel like the only one who gives a shit. I talk to my mom and she says, "Me and your dad aren't getting along so well." She says this with the tone in her voice that says, "It SURE isn't MY fault. I tried to get him to go riding."
What she ISN'T willing to do is just BE with my dad. They can only STAND each other when they are doing something. They hide behind these motions like they are afraid to see that when you take the vacations, the horseback rides, and the hunting trips away, they don't know a God Damn thing about each other.
I have to tuck this stuff away far and deep before tomorrow. So that I can play "perfect family" with the rest of them. So we can all pretend that everything is fine, and no one feels anything.
Anything.
<3
~JAx
The fucked up part of this is that I actually had a pretty good day. I woke up to Rob asking me to come outside. Apparently Mooey had gotten into the storage closet outside when Rob was getting them food, and she wouldn't come out. So I put some sweats on and shuffled outside.
She came right to me.
So I stayed outside with them for a while, and Rob left for work. As I sat out on the cold cement with Mooey in my lap and the unnamed kitten at my side, I decided to make another house for them so they didn't have to fight over the one.
Everything deserves somewhere warm to sleep.
So, after spending a good hour outside, the cats have a heating blanket warmed duplex.
Rob and me went to Seattle. It was lovely. The air was chilly and crisp, people were in good moods, and dinner was delicious.
I went to my talking doctor today, and I donno. Maybe talking about all this shit that comes up makes me less able to hide my feelings on the matters. But I have been pissed off all day over the fact that my mom and dad are selling everything I have ever known. And what they aren't selling, they are getting rid of or it's dying.
They have sold the house that I grew up in and the 60 acres attached to it. They will be out by the first of the year. They are selling the place in New Zealand that I have grown to love, even if I don't make it down there as much as I'd like. I get to go down in March to say good-bye, and then it's gone.
All of the cows except for 3 have been sold, to meat makers or whoever. We used to have 8 goats and all but three have been killed by cougars. Two ferrets are now sick with incurrable diseases. Please don't laugh at me...I grew up with these silly animals.
And as if all this shit wasn't lovely enough, my parents' marriage is falling apart. Whenever you ask them about the reasons they are selling things, they say, "Oh it's a good offer. Lots of money." It makes me fucking wonder...ya know? Like if they are so ready and fine with forgetting about things they once loved because it is in their best financial interest, than what does that say about their marriage? If they have reached the point where love is only as attractive as the "perks" it provides, then it's a wonder they lasted this fucking long. They don't love each other. They love the way the other makes them feel. And when the $$$ isn't there for them both to distract themselves with, shit hits the fan.
Lovely...aint it?
And so I feel like the only one who gives a shit. I talk to my mom and she says, "Me and your dad aren't getting along so well." She says this with the tone in her voice that says, "It SURE isn't MY fault. I tried to get him to go riding."
What she ISN'T willing to do is just BE with my dad. They can only STAND each other when they are doing something. They hide behind these motions like they are afraid to see that when you take the vacations, the horseback rides, and the hunting trips away, they don't know a God Damn thing about each other.
I have to tuck this stuff away far and deep before tomorrow. So that I can play "perfect family" with the rest of them. So we can all pretend that everything is fine, and no one feels anything.
Anything.
<3
~JAx
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