rowan

Today was hard...

Not in the normal sense. I did not sweat or work hands raw. I didn't create anything, nor did I have a life changing experience. Instead I had a day of little hurts...small hurts that barely register until the day is over and you look down at yourself.


And see a thousand little papercuts.


Woke up at seven. Not enough sleep...My body was screaming at me. "Not time yet. Day will be lost if you get up now." But the body can scream all it wants. The head doesn't give a shit when you have to be in Kent by 7:30. So you get up...naked you shuffle across the cold room to the bathroom. You flip the lightswitch and curse yourself for the same rude decision that made the room so UNBEARABLY bright.

Pants. Shirt. Shoes.....oh shit I forgot socks. A hat and a grimace at my appearance completes my outfit. And out we go!

FUCK IT'S COLD!!!

Car is cold. Seat is cold. Steering wheel is FREEZING! Oh well, not much I'm able to do about it, is there? So quit your bitching and drive. The sooner you go the sooner the engine warms up.

So I drove to Kent.

"Bye Rob. Love you."

Fighting traffic the whole damn way back home....*sigh*

Getting home was like...oh...I donno. Imagine walking into a warm house on a chilly day. Music playing a soft tune full of little breathes and silly trills. Cats sleeping...house smells of Lavender. Lovely...

So I hopped on the computer, and what was waiting for me? A little bird...hoping to perch a while on my screen. So we twittered back and forth a while...

"Oh really?"

"Yes, really. Nest is full. Nest is too damn full."

I apologized to the little sparrow and we chatted about less pressing matters. And then the pretty one came by. All conversation stops then. The room gets quiet and then empty. It's just her and me in my little head. She hurts today and won't tell me why. Bothers me...

Like she has a muscle that hurts, but it's too tender to touch.

I know that touching it is the only way to make the pain go...

No sell. "Can't buy this today. Far too costly."

So I hurt...because she hurts. I am vocal about this pain, speaking of it loud and often. Trying to compensate for the fact that she speaks of the ache not at all. I feel sick. Must lay down. Yea, sounds most necessary.

My body chants in the sing-song sound of a group of urchins.

"Told ya so! Told ya so! Told you to stay in beeeed."

As I leave she slams the door behind me. I turn around. Wanting to know what I have done, but an angry voice is all I hear.

"Go."

"Go away."

I want to come back in but she has shut the door. She didn't lock it. I could stay if I wanted. But what would be the purpose of that? To stay where I am not wanted? To force myself on the one I love? No.

So I go. With promises that I will see her tomorrow. "Talk to you soon. I love you ya know?" She speaks at me with glass in the air...."Sure. Talk to you tomorrow"

...

Then an afternoon filled with ups and downs. Didn't want to drive back there on short notice. "Now we are going out?? Yes, yes. I know. Only for a minute. All right"

A sewing machine. This is the reason for the traffic...the bright lights pounding at my brain like anvils on red hot metal. I never expected a reward for it. I did it because I love you.

Thank you though. I always wanted one. You know I did. You bought it for me.

"Happy early Xmas."

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

A bath, and a rub...Brisco and Greene. What more do I need??

I need to hold you in my sleep.

I need to speak to her tomorrow...<3

XOXO
~JAx