rottenart

so.


i tried to write a poem describing how i feel right now. i used a lot of descriptive images and wonderful turns of phrase, but it wasn't subtle enough. i was just being too direct.

that's when it hit me.

i'm never subtle. i never let nuance and imagination play. i'm always the guy who's on top of the table screaming, "look at me!" i'm the guy who doesn't wade in but rather does the cannonball off the deep end of the pool.

the merits of this trait are debatable. however, the fact of the matter is, i don't know if they're who i want to be. it seems as though this personality of mine is just a cover, a facade, a cheap halloween mask. i've been wearing it so long that i forgot what i am underneath.

for what it's worth, i don't think it's too late for me to change. i am certainly making more strides in the right direction. for those of you who know me personally, you know that me becoming more humble is equivalent to a snowstorm in june in the desert. i don't think anyone would mistake me as modest. yet i am trying.

unfortunately, up until very recently, i used that boisterous attitude to cover up when i actually did feel some pain, or some sadness, or some regret. i tell myself i'm fine, i laugh and i joke with those around me, i keep my feelings bottled up in a jar made of loud, obnoxious know-it-all-ness.

i guess there's many people who act this way. i know it doesn't make any of us bad people. it just makes it hard to connect, even when it's with the one you should be connecting with. this trait makes for a somewhat lonely existence, always judging, always comparng, never being happy just with what you have. i know i've pushed some people away because of it.

maybe i'll never change. i'd certainly like to. but can people take off their masks when they've been glued in place? can leopards change their spots? is any of it actually worth it? i don't know the answers. i'm ultimately clueless.




i haven't had a cigarette in a day. i think this might be the first step.