fuck.
all of the other networks are poisoned, cross contaminated, both parties are too represented, and anyway, i don't love exposure in those places that already assume to know me, assume they can, assume they don't want to. too much social incest. it's all right. there are six or seven of us, maybe eight, total, spread out in different combinations a trillion times over maybe in just this little corner, processing this information, being stuck, gasping for breath. and so i don't know why i feel so seperate from the community i do sense (rock to the band you have, not the band you want...) maybe it's paranoia, or BPD. maybe i'm just a pointless asshole. most likely, i sense that no one wants i know wants to pity me. and why should they, of course, but i am human, and thus desperate. to feel sadness is to be alive. to be desperate for contact is to be alive.
"i guess i miss you" is perhaps one of the most dismissively damaging statements that She made, but i must admit the older i get, the more i understand the sentiment. this one, this one wasn't overtly special or flashy or the type i'm usually inclined to reach way out of my place in these leagues i keep hearing about. but this one was great all the same, and although it took me a very long time to reach a place of some comfort, where some narrative of the future seemed likely, i finally did take that last step of trust that had been keeping us at a very close distance for the last couple of years.
oops.
and so now, even though i understand absolutely that this is fine, and that there are moments where this one has no hold (She has never once lost her hold, and in fact, She was the reason why i couldn't say "the words" to this one until after i suppose it was too late, but maybe that's a good thing.) but i'm still the one at the disadvantage. this one could probably still have me, and may indeed not leave me alone, having nearly a niave perception of the delecacy of friendship between the sexes. this one is the one who could call me right now and re-establish the lovely lie of monogamy, whereas, while i could probably get her to answer, it would only be awkward and mostly silent, as this one suffers from some severe PTSD, and is not terribly attached to her emotions.
so its sad. She once said that i had 'womanly moods', and maybe i am making a bigger deal than i should over something that was kind of absurd to begin with (long-distance-class-war-both-fucked-emotionally) but... it just seems needless to me. that's what is geting at me tonight. the needlessness of it. i mean, the heart wants what it wants, but... i always said, the moment the power shifts to you in this relationship, it's over, and this cassandra complex sucks (if you only knew the plans they had for us.) could two bottoms really be with each other, don't really know the answer/we weren't ever really together. but it's sad. why does anyone have to say goodbye.
all of the other networks are poisoned, cross contaminated, both parties are too represented, and anyway, i don't love exposure in those places that already assume to know me, assume they can, assume they don't want to. too much social incest. it's all right. there are six or seven of us, maybe eight, total, spread out in different combinations a trillion times over maybe in just this little corner, processing this information, being stuck, gasping for breath. and so i don't know why i feel so seperate from the community i do sense (rock to the band you have, not the band you want...) maybe it's paranoia, or BPD. maybe i'm just a pointless asshole. most likely, i sense that no one wants i know wants to pity me. and why should they, of course, but i am human, and thus desperate. to feel sadness is to be alive. to be desperate for contact is to be alive.
"i guess i miss you" is perhaps one of the most dismissively damaging statements that She made, but i must admit the older i get, the more i understand the sentiment. this one, this one wasn't overtly special or flashy or the type i'm usually inclined to reach way out of my place in these leagues i keep hearing about. but this one was great all the same, and although it took me a very long time to reach a place of some comfort, where some narrative of the future seemed likely, i finally did take that last step of trust that had been keeping us at a very close distance for the last couple of years.
oops.
and so now, even though i understand absolutely that this is fine, and that there are moments where this one has no hold (She has never once lost her hold, and in fact, She was the reason why i couldn't say "the words" to this one until after i suppose it was too late, but maybe that's a good thing.) but i'm still the one at the disadvantage. this one could probably still have me, and may indeed not leave me alone, having nearly a niave perception of the delecacy of friendship between the sexes. this one is the one who could call me right now and re-establish the lovely lie of monogamy, whereas, while i could probably get her to answer, it would only be awkward and mostly silent, as this one suffers from some severe PTSD, and is not terribly attached to her emotions.
so its sad. She once said that i had 'womanly moods', and maybe i am making a bigger deal than i should over something that was kind of absurd to begin with (long-distance-class-war-both-fucked-emotionally) but... it just seems needless to me. that's what is geting at me tonight. the needlessness of it. i mean, the heart wants what it wants, but... i always said, the moment the power shifts to you in this relationship, it's over, and this cassandra complex sucks (if you only knew the plans they had for us.) could two bottoms really be with each other, don't really know the answer/we weren't ever really together. but it's sad. why does anyone have to say goodbye.
I know there have only been a few, but I thoroughly enjoy reading your journals.