rosscoe

I think this is going to be another winging journal.

I feel ill right now. I'm also pretty darn tired.
I've hurt my elbow(joint).

All of the above which is my own fault.
I drank for a few hours at a friends house gathering.
I stayed over at a different friends house.

and i threw a light foam rugby ball thing stupid distances for a few hours today meaning i kept jarring my arm, causing it to feel uncomfortable around the joint. Not that stopped me doing it some more.

I've had the last 2 days off, but back to work tomorrow and all over the weekend.
On a side note i'm a bit of a moron. Its always been fairly obvious to me due to the many acts of stupidity during my life.
Lets think of the highlights of the first few months of 2004, my most blunderous period. Think of when things really seem to be going your way? well this is when the luck ran out.

- A girl i really liked in my first year of university, its her last day. She asks me if i'd still like her after the summer holidays. In classic 'me' style my instant thought is.. (i've no idea, its 3 months time?) so what do i say?
I really like you so i cant see that changing? No.. i says.. "I dont know how im gonna feel in 3 months" because i didnt. Bravo Ross, instantly shot yourself in the foot there.

- Getting so drunk i headbut a pool table and crack my front tooth in half.

- Driving my sisters car without insurance, getting hit by another car outside my village and subsiquently losing my license.

- Not checking my exam timetable at university and just assuming the exams will be when my lectures were.
I missed my last exam by an hour or so. How intelligent.

I sometimes amaze myself at how incredibly intelligent and how baffling stupid i can be, just down to the turn of a coin.
I sometimes think i dont have an inner thought process.
In my life i've been so laid back about everything, nothing ever really generates that much emotion from me.
I know reading my journals sometimes it might not seem the case but i think before i went to University no one had actually ever seen me mad.
Like during my alevel exams near the end of my school life, people revise for months.. i did nothing, just about 2 weeks worth of half arsed studying, waltzed into the exam not a care in the world, smiling, sat down and did the exam.
Come results day i'm feeling the punishment for my stupidity. The nerves people feel are there alright. Is this time going to be when my luck runs out? will my world come crashing down around me?.. no it isnt, you've made it through once again Ross. Minimum effort and all. You lucky bastard you.

How about you take the easy road.. sure thing i think i will..

We were having a conversation at the dinner table the other day my sister saying everyone in our family has a temper to which everyone says.. "i dont really have a temper"
and i say "but i actually dont" to which my mum jokes "yeah but you dont care ever care about anything"

She's joking but in alot of situations it applys.
I havent cried since i was about 8. Does this make me slightly broken inside?
My self examination generally goes along the lines of ignoring all my positives and railing myself over the negatives.
I tend to think things like, i'm a really likeable guy, but then i think that this just isnt true. its a very confused oppinion i give myself. I'm one of many people out there riddled with self doubt. But its not a constant thing, its like when im tired and ill and in the wrong mindset the insane part of my mind says "hey guys! look he's weak lets get him!!"

Feel free to be scared, i've just opened the door to the occasional mental and ranting capability of my mind. Push the door closed, it wouldnt be healthy to open it.