Some days I feel like I have seen and done too much. It makes me want to go back to Japan. Where I can surround myself with other people looking to ease their minds and soothe their souls. A paradoxical group of people seeking quiet and solitude while living in a communal environment. Practicing what looks like violence but feels like meditation. It was comforting there. An escape from society and the modern world. But I couldn't stay there forever. It felt too much like running. And there was always a disconnect for me when it came to the spiritual side of things. I found myself nodding along, pretending to have an enlightenment I did not feel. Wondering if everyone else was faking it too. That's a tough thing to wonder about a man you love. An even tougher thing to hide from him. I think he always knew anyway. And I just couldn't do it anymore.
Still, I miss it. I miss him. There are some old video games here that I use to reward the girls for good work. One of their favorites is Virtua Fighter. Every time I see Jeffry on that game it makes me think of Yusuf. It looks likes someone saw him and created the character based on him. Kind of funny that they have similar fighting styles too. I still love him. He had an incredibly profound impact on my life. A part of me is always wanting to go back to him. Or wishing he would come here to me. I wish I could imagine a way for us to be together.
But that would mean that one of us would have to give up our work. Sure, either of us could find some satisfaction in what the other does. They are similar enough for that. But we would still both think what we were doing before was more important. I think after a while we'd resent each other. As hard as missing him is I think resenting him would be harder.
