rook

Sometimes I wish I was superstitious so I could make my fears go away with a simple ward or gesture. Right now, for example, these days, I'd be touching wood frantically. Because no matter how much I try to quiet and compose my mind, I can't shake the feeling that there's some very, VERY bad news for me waiting just around some unseen corner.

I have no reason for this fear beyond that which we all have, every day...that there's always going to be bad news ahead of you, and that we all have a past that could come back to haunt us at any given moment. Normally I deal OK, hardly give it a though even. But lately I've been petrified. I can't even sleep the fear is holding me that tightly.It's getting to the point that I'm having to try and fall asleep with my MP3 player on, using the music to keep the bad thoughts at bay. It's like my mind is on fire and the music is cool water in my head. That's a lame analogy, but forgive it me this once.

I'm hating every minute of every day right now. Nothing is actually wrong in my life right now. But by the same token, nothing is inherently right, either. Everything I have or am tied to right now, I want to get rid of, and everything I want is being kept just out of my grasp. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. That's what my life feels like right now. That I'm in a state of limbo, like my life is on pause and there's nothing I can do to start it playing again. Everything is going to happen...tomorrow.

And then there's the fear. I get a cold shiver when the phone rings, or when I hear a car door outside. It's almost as if my mind knows that there's something bad coming...but like everything else...it's something I'm waiting for.

I'm sure a professional therapist could tell me these two things are related somehow, and they probably are. But be that as it may, it doesn't change the fact that although I'm putting on a brave face, I feel like I'm falling apart, or, to be more honest, that I'm being torn apart from the inside.