rollnrob

OK I wasn't going to blog unless I had something positive happen but life has a way of keeping me grounded in reality. I continue to find the proper diet for my Celiac disease so that has been a constant battle. My brother's wife has been battling ovarian cancer for 3 yrs now and went in for surgery to see if they could remove more tumors but they couldn't so they are sure how much longer she has ... she is only 46 and has 2 kids that she has got to raise but probably won't see any grand kids.
I struggle everyday with my reality and when something like this happens to Karen and other people I get this numbness that envelops me and I question my beliefs about life.

I don't know who I've told about my injury so I'll write a short blip about it.
In 1992 I was out for a bike(Harley) ride after a week of rain and it being a Friday night and I hadn't ridden for a couple of weeks, I went for a ride and was on my way back home when I see some deer to the left of me out in a field(saw their eyes reflected by the headlight) I turned my head back around and there was a deer standing in the road so I swerved to the right and went of the road, the side was all mud and lost control. I don't remember what I hit but was told that my right leg was amputated below the knee and the bike and me somersaulted and I hit a tree backwards causing my helmet to shatter and push into the back of my neck to dislocate the C5-C8 vertebrate which pinched the spinal cord, all this happened at around 11pm and I wasn't found until 9:30 the next morning. Since then I have constant pain and muscle spasms(somedays are better than others and I've learned to live with average pain) I attempted to walk again and did therapy for about 14 yrs and seem to only damage more because of falls and such.

So I attempt to focus on the positive and help others, lead by example, blah, blah and then when I see heart wrenching things happen to kids and family, friends and people I love I question what my purpose was to live through what I have and there was to many times that I should have been killed when I was wasted and I was sober the night of my accident! Any way I'm not sure what my point is, I'm just so confused ...

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
Edgar Allan Poe

Letting go doesn't seem to be my problem, its learning to start over again ...

peace & love