roddly

it's been nearly a year and a half, and i'm still stuck on this girl. tonight as i drove home in a daze of drugs and rock and roll, hold the drugs, i found my self longer for the scent of her. the way that she held her hand on the whell of her car as she drove, the way i used to run my finger tips up and down the inside of her fore-arms. i thought that she loved me, that we would spend the rest of our lives growing old, and more and more irritated at each other like in the movies. i thought i found my John Cusak girl. it's been almost two years since i've even seen her last. two years and those steel blue eyes, she was wearing contacts that day at the air port, still stare at me from behind her bangs, nearly every time i close my eyes. when i first got to Iraq things were hunky dorry, but soon i became insane with sand inhalation, and long periods of unrest. i became beligerant, and ungrateful that she sat at home, praying i don't get dead, hoping that i will come back to her in one peice. then one day out of the blue i got it. the e-mail that shattered me. not my heart. htis e-mail pulled the string outta my back. i still to this day am not entirely the same. i long for the touch of her skin against mine. her hair in my face as i methodicaly try to brush it away with my lips, and gentle blowing. i miss the way i would go to her school and she would have a 12 pack of beer there because she knew i was coming. i miss what i thought i had. but how quickly i was replaced. that's what gets me more than all the longing, and the heart ache of her not here. since i've been home for 13 months, almost to the day, i have been on one date. and i haven't even talked to that chick again. i don't go out any more. i'm trying to save money, but for what? a future alone? i have so many things, things i nearly never use. and i'm empty. i don't know what i want out of this, any of this. but i do know i want it to be how it was. whit her....................................