i jsut saved a bunch of money by switching to me...................
can't get a girl to actually go out with me, cant hang out with people that can keep up with me. i'm a loser, i'm lost i'm now where, and everywhere at once. and i cna't seem to find the pitty to feel marose about it. my latest debacle is not instead i've not fallen asleep for the tears staining my pillow. but instead the ones not staining my pillow. what is horribley wrong with me. i sit and i wait. and never do any of you answer my questions. none of you reply to crys to for help. "i am utterly and toatlly alone" i think that is what wynona ryder said in beetlejuice. i actually got invited out tonight. though i told the young women whom invited me that i would not be able to drink due to work, she said fine. i got up outta bed. showered. and put on some clean clothes. rushing to her house to pick her up, just to abvoid "the call". what call you ask. you know the one. the "i've been thinkin aobut it, i really don't want to go out now." call. seems i've goten alot of those recently. too many. infact every one has b3en one of those. and yet i still continue to move forward, to better myself for those around me to aspire to be.
what is so damnable about me that i can not maintain a relationship? MELISSA where did i go wrong? why am i so repugnant to every one i meet? fuck it. who cares right. it's jsut rod. and he's jsut in that black mood of his again. seems every day that black mood gets sbismally darker. everyday i wake up to an over abbundance of darkness. is the sun no longer shining here in TN?
i come home every night and think of new reasons not to fall on my baldes. oh the collection is growing. taunting me. asking me to sacrifice my lifes blood to their shiney pointiness. and every night i can think of only one thing. because god damn it they expect me to do it. so instead i sit. and i stare blankly at my mirror. wondering what is wrong with me. what sets me so very far apart from everyone else.
and i haven't found it. i score nothing. but it's there. god damn it it's there. i'm nervous and shy.
i can't talk to them. it's like when i try i lie to myself. like i know what i'm doin. but i don't. i don't know any more than if i were to go to france and try to talk to them. sure i can get by. but i will never truely be one of them. always alone in a crowd. always alone alone. just alone. always
