rockpixie

So I'm back from home. Leaving my poor Mum was awful. It's been a week since Nan died, but it's all very raw, even still. I felt terrible leaving her and getting on the train back. The only thing I came back for is work. There is absolutely no reason for me to exist up here anymore. I don't need to be here, not when the all the people I love are miles away. It's been an especially awful week, to be honest, I spent the past three days with my Mum drowning my (and her) sorrows, in the midst of arranging the funeral. I've bever had to do anyting like it before. I feel hideous now, because I don't know what I'm most upset about, Nan, or Being up here on my own. I've honestly not felt this bad since I was up in Gloucester on my own, and even then I still had a car. I cried on the train on the way home, and then tower hill was shut, so that made me cry even more, nobody would sit near me on the train, because I looked like a mental. I got on the poxy Thameslink train at Farringdon, and it just rained the whole way back. I sat and listened to Ryan Adams and cried a bit more. I never cry. it's fucking weak.

I got back to my empty room, I got my lotto ticket, ordered a new phone, did my ocado shop, felt a bit better. I'm not drinking tonight because I have to go to work tomorrow, and i've just realised I haven't actually engaged in a prper conversation with a human being, or seen another human being for about five hours. And here I am again, spouting my misery on here because I'm tired of crying, because it's self indulgent and stupid. And it's only the first night here by myself. I don't want to sleep by myself, I don't want to go to work, I just want to go back and be with someone important, because that's where I belong. not here. Not in this shitty town, i've done enough. I've done my penance. I just want to leave. I am so fucking miserable here. It's not even safe to go out after dark.

What's worse is knowing I could be so close, but it's all in someone else's hands, and if this doesn't happen, I have to start all over again.

Crying is fucking exhausting. I tried smoking again, but it made me feel sick. I don't even want to have wine, or do anything. And skins isn't ready to download, and yes,all I do is moan. Honestly. At the moment, I'm finding this all a little cathartic, which helps. You don't have to read it, but I feel better for typing it. It's shit, because I know that I am wanted, and I am loved, I just need to feel it.

Monday. It all rides on Monday. And if that all goes wonky, then god forbid I'll be writing about it.

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