rocketeer

For the longest time he had simply existed.
Engulfed in the immenseshadow cast by his paternal mentor.
Feeling trapped and confined he was forever seeking independence.
He would often wonder what it would feel like to be happy, free, uninhibited and independent.

Boldly he stepped out and left the comfort and security of the familiar safety.
No disapproving eye, no firm hand, merely a voice that would occasionally haunt him down the phone line.
Freedom had brought with it many new emotions.
Why when set free and in charge of his own destiny was he still unable to find happiness.


******************************************************

Everything and nothing alike
They are all the same
Cutting, like tickeling stimulates a nervous response
Pain and pleasure both unavoidable constants of life

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He was almost 15 1/2 and still yet to share a kiss, something he longed for
All through his life girls had been a source of great anguish for him
he once had held hands with a girl, but it meant nothing,
she had told him as much while laughing

It was surreal that afternoon
The travelling carnival was in town
The air was crisp with excitement and full of noise
How privelidged he felt to be invited to join a group of friends.

One by one he was introduced to those he did not know
He thought it strange that one girl blushed and smiled at him
What did this mean, girls never looked at him like that
The sunlight soon disappeared only to be replaced by the lights of the carnival

There was a strange kind of feeling in the air that night
A strange mixture of a sense of independence coupled with fear and uncertainty
Suddenly his hand was no longer empty
Smiling she said, "relax, it's ok"

That way it stayed for some time
Holding hands, how different and nice it felt
The group now sought a place to sit, a place to rest and chat
It was getting late, soon the sky would be alive
The fireworks would soon dominate the sky, they were coming

Unsure of of exactly what was happening he blindly followed
Taken by the hand he was gently guided
Sitting beside her waiting, watching, what was happening?
Feeling awkward he was wondering what she was smiling at
Why was her face so close to his ?

A countdown ...10, 9, 8 ..........3, 2, 1
The light vanishes
Boom ! Boom!
The sky erupted into brilliant colours and shapes

He wasn't watching though
Neither was she
It was his first kiss
It would stay with him for a very long time

They stayed that way for some time
Wrapped in eachothers awkward embrace
So this is what it is like echoed over and over in his mind

For the first time he felt like he existed to girls
But what did it all mean he began to wonder

Nervously he enquired for her number
"why do you want it", she replied
Nervously he shrugged, "because", was all he could utter
"It was just a kiss, it means nothing"

Taken back by the pained expression on his face she began to think
"I spose we could be friends if you want"
With a parting kiss on the cheek she gave him her number and left

Two times he called her number
Brief conversations about nothing in particular resulted

A year had passed, he walked into KFC, there she was
There she was, the girl he shared his first kiss with

Social networks through the cities private schools were vast
As a result she had since found out that she was his first

"I never knew" she said, "i would have been nicer to you"
"Thankyou, and sorry, I still think your cute though"
She smiled and then exited, she looked back, waved and was gone

Some 8 years later he can still remember every little detail
Cheapened values and distorted feelings now plague him
He longs to feel the onnocence of that first tender embrace
To go back to feeling awkward and clumsy

Innocence lost, but not forgotten

end


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And then Tim turned the corner only to see that which he feared the most
In Front of him was a mirror
It wasn't the mirror he feared though
It was something more

It was the image he saw in the mirror that terrified him
Everything he could see in it he detested, he hated
There in the mirror was an image of himself
Then and there it was clear to him, he could finally see what he had become






WTF am i on