rochelle

I feel sad.

Godsmoker is gonna be leaving sg soon, and he was my first friend on the site. Funny how one can attach themselves to people they don't even know in the 3d world. He's such a sweet guy, and a hottie too!! There arn't enough guys like that. Too many are assholes, posing as nice guys-whats the point, don't know. But, there are a lot of girls who super suck too, so I guess we all just live in a world full of shitty people. On the bright side, this site proves there are also a lot of non shitty people. People who care, and are passionate about things, and are really beautiful indiviuals, and thats nice to know.

Its saturday night, and I'm at home with my cat. Seems like a evening one would have at 62, not 22. Oh well, I really don't mind, I am tired and poor and I just do not feel like going out. I wish I had gone and baught a book though. I need something good to read. When my car got jacked, I purchased a new cell, and it has a camera in it, and now all I do with my free time is take pictures. Usaully of myself, since I have no problem being a ham when I am alone. The lost boy was a photographer for years in the city, and took pictures of me over the summer, but I had to get stoned just to go through with it, cause I get so shy around him. You see I got this theory.

We all have two selves. Neither one is good or bad, they are just two sides of us that we call upon for whatever situation we are in. One persona I have is the 'andro,sullen eyed,loner' thats the me who is shy, and really sensitive and a bit of a kid, who prefers to play on swing sets then do body shots at the bar. Thats the me who wears huge boy hoodies, and pants that are too big, and doesn't look at people when she is in public. The there is the 'porn star nyphet/ mental patient.' Thats the me who wears her thong showing, even in day light, and wears lots of eyeliner and is always giving that 'I'm gonna fuck your brains out and you don't even know it yet' look. Thats the me who gets parties started and steals pumpkins from farmers yards when its midnight-the one who purposley tries to scare the shit out of people so they never see how scared she is.
I teeter and toter between these two people queit effortlessly. Now try to follow me here- now we all have a third persona too. I think, well, at least I do.

Thats the persona we try to hide, the one who is the most like a child who doesn't know shit, and is all feelings. My third person is big eyed and easy to smile and easy to cry and easily touched by pain or joy ect. I have found that it is most difficult and dangerous to let this part of myself out, being that the world just aint built for her. The lost boy brings out the third persona in me, and when he takes my picture, I am suddenly very self consious and shy and scared that I am a dork, and all I want to do is throw on a hoodie, and play Kelis's Millionaire, till I feel safe again. He told me he wants me to be a ham and he's seen me be a ham, and won't I just ham it up for him again so he can take more pictures, but I am still debating over this. I hate not having control over the camera. I guess you could say I hate not being in control.

Ok, this is a long enough entry. I am tired. I think I am going to smoke a stog and go to bed.

PEACE