A week ago, I went to a strip club I like. Living in Portland, OR is nice for that; there is usually at least one fairly close. Talking to this nice, gorgeous lady (the bartender, not a dancer, however this particular bartender did used to dance at the club) the conversation went to why I tend to be quiet, unless properly lubricated with alcohol. Well, I gave the whole spiel about my backstory, and eventually revealed my sexual history, or complete lack thereof. Whiskey really places you in a confessional mode. She asked me why I personally thought that, at the age of 35, I had never dated or had sex. To be honest I was a little stumped.
The answers I usually propose to myself, depression and social anxiety, seemed to general and more than a little weak. Lots of people have problems like that, and can still meet others to be intimate with. Sometimes I think that, in spite of my desires which can drive me crazy at times, I am simply not interested enough to make anything happen. Or--so sad--I'm too scared to make anything happen. Honestly, my sexual desires and fantasies scare me. I was not raised religiously; I only went to church a few times as a kid for the benefit of a relative. I really don't know where my feelings of guilt and extreme anxiety come from.
Looking at the discussion threads of some of the sexuality groups on SG (which I guess other than "virgins" I have no business being on) is an eye-opener. So many people around my age are so comfortable exploring and sharing their sexuality. I'm fine with it all, but it interests me that apparently so many people claim to lead the sexual lifestyle of a porn star. I would like to think that a lot of it is at least a little exaggeration, but how can I say for sure with my sheltered, isolated existence? As it stands now, my biggest most REALISTIC fantasy is making out and cuddling with another person. I could very well be as vanilla as they come. So maybe that's it: I'm afraid someone else will find me sexually inadequate, empirically and experimentally speaking.
Yes, I know. I just need to "put myself out there" and find "the right one." Forgive my whine, but that is never easy as they claim, and I HAVE TRIED BEFORE DAMMIT. I know that it's all up in my head, but there's so much there I feel sometimes it (i.e., my head) might explode, or suffer a slow thermodynamic heat death. It's all very self-defeating.
My question is, "are my desires really mine, or ones I THINK I should have?" How do I really know?
I blame porn. Really, I do. Speaking as a person who never masturbated until he was 19 (I know you don't believe me, but it's true), how could I possibly be aware of all different ways of sex without it? Is all this sexual exploration really FREEING? What if a lot of people are just afraid of being deemed boring?
SOAPBOX TIME: It seems to me that being labeled "boring" or "uninteresting" in this age of social media is the absolute worst thing you could call another person.
Well, I guess I just exposed my biggest fear: that I'm boring, vanilla, uninteresting, dull, tedious, clinically dead, a big YAWN of a person.
So I suppose that I want to find that special someone with which I can explore all my innermost, darkest desires that I have but don't like admitting I have, or scared of having, or scared of telling another person or whatever. If I can find that special someone who can stand my neurotic, obsessive, emotionally repressed self for more than ten minutes I will cling to her like grim death.
