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robotscrushheart

Member Since 2003

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Thursday Oct 16, 2003

Oct 16, 2003
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i posted this in another journal that i keep, tell me what you all think:

i've been straightedge for the past six years of my life. i feel that this has been a very positive force in my life to this point. i think that if i hadn't turned straightedge, i would have continued down the path of alcoholism/drug-abuse that i was heading down very fast in high-school. i probably would not have completed this much of college (i'm still not done yet, but i only have 2 more night classes which i'm currently taking.)

however, since i went away to college, my involvement in straightedge has become increasingly negative. in the not-so-distant past, my views became very hardline in nature. i began to devalue the lives of people that smoked or drank or used drugs. straightedge became not a personal choice to me, but an issue of morality. i placed myself above anyone who didn't live by my code of living... anyone who wasn't straightedge was morally wrong. i began to shut out the people close to me that drank. i found myself questioning the character of some of my closest friends and loved ones.

i now realize how going away to college made me so stupid. i had an opportunity to meet a wide variety of people with viewpoints different than mine. instead i sought out people with the same vision as me and then shut the doors. this isn't saying anything against any of the people that i befriended in college, they are amazing people and they are still some of my best friends to this day. i just wish that i hadn't shut out some of the other people that i became friends with initially at college.

after moving home this past semester, my eyes began to slowly open to the err of my ways. my eyes were forced open a little more when one of the people that i love the most in my life left me....after which stating there was a feeling of "liberation". it made me feel like the reincarnate of hitler,stalin, and hussein born into one man's body.

so this is where i am today. i realize what i did was wrong, my ways of thinking in the past were severely wrong. i don't know if there's anything i can do to rectify the damage i've done, but i'm trying. this weekend i'm going to a bar. i'm still unsure as to whether i will drink or not, before i turned straightedge i got alcohol poisoning and still have an aversion to even the smell of alcohol to this day, so i might not. i think in one sense though, it may be good for me just to have one drink and then i can truly see that after that one drink i won't be a "bad person". but on the other hand, i have been very stressed out lately and have gone through a lot of changes...and another change right at this moment may be an overload. i think at the very least i should just go to the bar with my friends and have a good time. and notice that the people around me are doing the same thing i am, they're just having fun. it's a personal choice. there's nothing morally wrong with it.


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