roaring_tulips

I have come to a startling realization about myself. I spend so much of my time trying to make friends, in real life and online. I've joined groups and chatted up strangers. I've been friendly and passed out my phone number. I've been the helping hand and the comforting shoulder...all in the hopes that I can make a real friendship. But, it never really works. Sure, you could say John's my best friend, but he gets to have sex with me. My cousin Mary and I have been friends all our lives, but she has no choice. We're related. She can't just disappear from my life. Everyone else just vanishes after I stop amusing them or actually need some support in return.

This has hurt me a lot over the years. I've felt utterly unlovable so often. But, yesterday, I realized perhaps the reason why I've had such problems. I don't really like people. People are so needy. They don't care about other people and their expectations of others is hopelessly unrealistic. People are draining emotionally, physically, mentally, and fiscally. You have to keep up. It's a full time job being someone's friend. You have to be up for whatever they want to do...whenever they want to do it. Otherwise, you fall behind. Someone else will fill in and, most likely, they'll be wondering why you failed them....and talking about it. That leaves you at a disadvantage and, sooner than you could imagine, you wind up out of the loop. Don't people sound just awful? And, these are just the people that I meet that halfway get me! The rest of them barely respond when I talk to them; completely uninterested in making a new friend whatsoever. Maybe, these people have the right idea. Maybe I should become a hermit.