Aspirations since she could remember. Things that she knew were in her reach if only she were to try hard enough, if only she were to scrutinize herself enough. Tangible things available only to those who were extraordinary.
So many things she believed were possible to be the best at. Skating, Dancing, being funny, popular, creative, attractive. Where did this come from? When she was young she thought she could be the best . . . state championship basket ball hoop shoots, sell more lemonade than the other kids in the neighborhood, achieve the highest girl scout cookie sales, get the best grades, wear makeup before anyone else, be the first to have glasses and braces, even winning the snow shape contest with a mermaid . . . all achieved. . Yet no satisfaction.
Middle school brought different goals. Goals of fitting in at a new place, to be the first to drink, smoke pot, smoke cigs. To be accepted by boys older than me . . . to be the "cool" kid. Grades plummeted in pursuit of her new goals. To be cutting edge with fashion, to have the most bad ass of boyfriends, to constantly push the line . . . which she did . . . but it wasn't enough.
High School was a combination of aspirations, to be the best and to stand out the most. Award winning newspaper writer, top in the class, the only girl with a shaved head, the girl who could stay out all weekend long on no sleep on no drugs and still make it to school Monday morning. The first in Colorado to have a local radio show dedicated to local turntablists. Not even 18 and on every guest list and on the stage dancing for any show. She loved the spotlight, she loved the success . . . but she wanted more.
17 years old and she was already at out-of-state college on an academic scholarship. She plummeted . . . she was no body, knew no one, and felt no self worth. She hated being "normal" and couldn't stand being alone. She managed to hold it together that first horrible year . . . the youngest director at the campus radio station . . . increased listernership and had concerts on no budget. She had a staff of ten who were an army. . . . She felt it again, felt alive. She thought she could do it all . . . the college rep for a major music label. The notoriety was supposed to help, yet it felt fake and indifferent . . . she knew she needed more. . .
She met him, the one who would steal her heart and inevitably change her life. . . . He was the example of strength, and he had the drive. At least she thought. . . time went by and he became human to her . . . his flaws and inadequacies were enough to burden her once enlightened thoughts of strength. Her weakness could only get the best of her. . .
It continued . . . the feelings of wanting more and knowing there was more out there for her. She found solace in California, unfortunately the need to be near the ocean was more than her finances and school could handle . . . yet still she went.
The summer approached and the idea of not knowing what she'll do with her life began to slowly suffocate her. Feelings of despair and unsureness caused the lights to get dimmer in her mind. Comfort in food and smoking herself to numbness helped to keep reality at arm's length.
And then it came . . . the jump start she'd need. A summer on the road . . . little did she know just how much she'd need it. Being a part of something big, and being a part of a "family". It gave her purpose again and gave her goals. Made that part of her heart reignite with the feelings of she can never work hard enough or do enough to be satisfied.
A renewed sense of confidence helped and she found another family in her original hometown. Financially stable and comfortable for the first time in years and the only way to go is up.
She's unsure as to where life will take her, but she can't wait to find out.
So many things she believed were possible to be the best at. Skating, Dancing, being funny, popular, creative, attractive. Where did this come from? When she was young she thought she could be the best . . . state championship basket ball hoop shoots, sell more lemonade than the other kids in the neighborhood, achieve the highest girl scout cookie sales, get the best grades, wear makeup before anyone else, be the first to have glasses and braces, even winning the snow shape contest with a mermaid . . . all achieved. . Yet no satisfaction.
Middle school brought different goals. Goals of fitting in at a new place, to be the first to drink, smoke pot, smoke cigs. To be accepted by boys older than me . . . to be the "cool" kid. Grades plummeted in pursuit of her new goals. To be cutting edge with fashion, to have the most bad ass of boyfriends, to constantly push the line . . . which she did . . . but it wasn't enough.
High School was a combination of aspirations, to be the best and to stand out the most. Award winning newspaper writer, top in the class, the only girl with a shaved head, the girl who could stay out all weekend long on no sleep on no drugs and still make it to school Monday morning. The first in Colorado to have a local radio show dedicated to local turntablists. Not even 18 and on every guest list and on the stage dancing for any show. She loved the spotlight, she loved the success . . . but she wanted more.
17 years old and she was already at out-of-state college on an academic scholarship. She plummeted . . . she was no body, knew no one, and felt no self worth. She hated being "normal" and couldn't stand being alone. She managed to hold it together that first horrible year . . . the youngest director at the campus radio station . . . increased listernership and had concerts on no budget. She had a staff of ten who were an army. . . . She felt it again, felt alive. She thought she could do it all . . . the college rep for a major music label. The notoriety was supposed to help, yet it felt fake and indifferent . . . she knew she needed more. . .
She met him, the one who would steal her heart and inevitably change her life. . . . He was the example of strength, and he had the drive. At least she thought. . . time went by and he became human to her . . . his flaws and inadequacies were enough to burden her once enlightened thoughts of strength. Her weakness could only get the best of her. . .
It continued . . . the feelings of wanting more and knowing there was more out there for her. She found solace in California, unfortunately the need to be near the ocean was more than her finances and school could handle . . . yet still she went.
The summer approached and the idea of not knowing what she'll do with her life began to slowly suffocate her. Feelings of despair and unsureness caused the lights to get dimmer in her mind. Comfort in food and smoking herself to numbness helped to keep reality at arm's length.
And then it came . . . the jump start she'd need. A summer on the road . . . little did she know just how much she'd need it. Being a part of something big, and being a part of a "family". It gave her purpose again and gave her goals. Made that part of her heart reignite with the feelings of she can never work hard enough or do enough to be satisfied.
A renewed sense of confidence helped and she found another family in her original hometown. Financially stable and comfortable for the first time in years and the only way to go is up.
She's unsure as to where life will take her, but she can't wait to find out.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
missbellac:
i love this entry - you are adorable and if you are ever out here in california... we need to hang out <3
fatality:
I love your profile picture!
