"I summoned the courage to grin: I climbed the hill with my bucket and slept like a dipper in the cool of your body: besotted with growth; shot through by green."
- C. D. Wright
Ah... I'm having a rough start this morning. I had a nightmare last night and I guess it brought to light some of my unconcious anxieties. I have never been the type of girl to stress about relationships or to get jealous and all, but I feel like my current situation is pushing me to some previously invisible line that I never knew was there. I need a vacation... from my brain.
***
I have discovered a line that was previously invisible to me, a line that keeps me from where I want to be. On one side of this foreign line, I am rational and capable of smiling, smiling, smiling- covering up this adultery, this trespass. On the other side, I am hissing and spitting, dreaming of betrayal, hallucinating, seeing things that were never there before. I am afraid the line will disappear once again, that I will blur the two, merging into something unstable, unsafe, unhealthy/unhappy, undone. I am afraid I will traverse this line unwillingly and never return. And it is no more your fault than mine own. It is not your fault that I see your fingerprints on every bare breast, on every grinning lip. It is not your fault that I am ravaged, constantly wanting, forever checking my reflection for traces of you. It.is.not.your.fault. It is my own. This hysteria is slowly seeping out. The tears spilling from my eyelids burn like acid rain and I hide my face from you, plug my ears so your careless phrases do not penetrate, do not have time to settle and burrow into my conciousness.
I am dancing on this line, I am prancing on this line, I am flirting with this line, I am fucking with this line, I am daring this line to overtake me. This line is taunting me, quoting Dali, saying, "Take me, I am your drug. Take me, I am your hallucinogenic."
But oh, I am already seeing too much.
- C. D. Wright
Ah... I'm having a rough start this morning. I had a nightmare last night and I guess it brought to light some of my unconcious anxieties. I have never been the type of girl to stress about relationships or to get jealous and all, but I feel like my current situation is pushing me to some previously invisible line that I never knew was there. I need a vacation... from my brain.
***
I have discovered a line that was previously invisible to me, a line that keeps me from where I want to be. On one side of this foreign line, I am rational and capable of smiling, smiling, smiling- covering up this adultery, this trespass. On the other side, I am hissing and spitting, dreaming of betrayal, hallucinating, seeing things that were never there before. I am afraid the line will disappear once again, that I will blur the two, merging into something unstable, unsafe, unhealthy/unhappy, undone. I am afraid I will traverse this line unwillingly and never return. And it is no more your fault than mine own. It is not your fault that I see your fingerprints on every bare breast, on every grinning lip. It is not your fault that I am ravaged, constantly wanting, forever checking my reflection for traces of you. It.is.not.your.fault. It is my own. This hysteria is slowly seeping out. The tears spilling from my eyelids burn like acid rain and I hide my face from you, plug my ears so your careless phrases do not penetrate, do not have time to settle and burrow into my conciousness.
I am dancing on this line, I am prancing on this line, I am flirting with this line, I am fucking with this line, I am daring this line to overtake me. This line is taunting me, quoting Dali, saying, "Take me, I am your drug. Take me, I am your hallucinogenic."
But oh, I am already seeing too much.