So... another year gone by. It's amazing how much things have and haven't changed since last year... I've become a bit more aware of myself and alot of the things I want have changed, but I realized that I'm not all that different. I'm still more comfortable being alone than in a crowd, still insecure and unsure of myself unless I'm somewhere where no one knows me, still untrusting of life and have absolutely no clue where it will take me. I'm starting this new year off with uncertainty and quite a bit of sadness. I want so much out of life and am pretty sure that my expectations are too high. Life disappoints me. Society seems to set people up to fail and everything is, for the most part, extremely unfair and unrealistic. Honestly, I want nothing more out of life than to be able to just live it without having to worry about money or petty things like that. I have money on my mind constantly. I can't go out and have a good time because the next day, all I do is obsess over how much I spent and how dumb I was to have wasted it. I'm stressing about college because I love Lang and it's flexibility, but the price is rediculous and I'm going to be in debt until I'm 107. Why can't the world be a place for people to do what they love? Why do we have to obsess about making ends meet and debt and jobs and all that bullshit? I have no idea where I'm going to be in 5, 10, 15 years and that scares the hell out of me. I just keep thinking that I'm going to be behind a desk somewhere or bussing tables, barely getting by and all my dreams of travelling or writing my book will fly right out the window, only to be replaced by middle-aged-ness and boredom. I wish I could open my own little bookstore and let writers or musicians or artists come in and do what they love. I wish I could go live by the ocean and write stories about the impressions the waves make on the sand. I wish I could run away with my lover and never have to worry about another thing expect their happiness. I think that life is making me crazy right now. Life, and the importance people put on the trivial things in it, are making me crazy.
elision:
Ah, yes, that would be great, wouldn't it? Living the life you love? I don't know, maybe the struggles of working towards that life make a good life possible. Yeah, that sounds like crap, doesn't it? It's depressing how much we don't change, even when we want to. An object at rest stays at rest, eh? Well, here's to making 2006 the year we get into motion, and get a step closer to the good life -- happy new year!