rfantana

i've considered starting my own "what grinds my gears" blog but i doubt i could rival Mr Griffin. so....
i'll just let everyone know that i'm currently on an emotional roller coaster. not like the cool exciting, can't wait to get off so you can ride it again roller coasters we all loved as kids, but more like the one's you see at the county fair and you just walk up to and stare at with enormous amounts of tension and fear in your eyes and stomach.
i guess i do it to myself. (thats what she said) sorry, couldn't resist.
i no longer break out into sweats over my anxiety or anything. i'm just born to analyze every damn thing. a true aquarius. no stone left unturned in my mind....well i'm not sure about that one.

-so i guess, if you're still reading this, you wonder why i'm stressing. well. between women and bandmates who were great at pretending to be something they weren't, i feel like i've had my own little low budget reality tv show going on. i won't spill it all. its somewhat pathetic in comparison to real issues or problems. i'm just not where i wanna be in life. i wanna be able to travel and see the world. i wanna do it now while i'm relatively long. i don't wanna end up like my dad. he's an awesome person, but when i talk to him, or just observe him, i realize that he's never really been able to get out there and experience life to the fullest. he was married at 20, a father at 22, and he's been on the grind ever since. not born into money, he's always been blue collar. he grew up in a southern town where the family's farm was first, then church, then if you had time, maybe pay attention to what your teacher said. i'm starting to realize we've got a lot in common, or at least more than i originally thought.
he didn't give a shit about school until he was already anchored into a marriage, i dodged that bullet but barely. he cared more about socializing and looking cool by playing in a rebel little band around town....hmm..sounds familiar. he didn't mind working and getting dirty and couldn't stand being in a suit or office kinda thing. oh fuck. i dont wanna become my dad.
don't get me wrong. he's way more of a man than i'll ever be, but i want more out of life. or at least thats what im dealing with in my head right now. i want to be a producer so bad, or a professional songwriter, or something that might possibly leave a mark long after im gone. i don't know what that is or which direction i could go that would help me do just that. i dont wanna be the hamster in a wheel.

but hey- on a brighter note, today is my bday and i got tickets to go see the CRUE! fucking A! pit tickets too.