rexx

my feet are cold.

i am drinking sugar with a splash of hot tea and am about to go read some dostoevsky.

i just wrote an entire blog that i rather liked... then i accidentally clicked a link and lost it all. RAWR SAUCE.

sitting here alone in my room again, i find it hard to remember who i was two months ago. and nearly a year ago when i first moved here. who was that girl who drank herself into oblivion on a barstool seven nights a week? when i decided january first to finally get my alcohol problem under control, i didn't realize i would end up as much a recluse as i did. but i've always enjoyed it, really.

tonight i can't help but miss friendships that seemed to disappear into thin air after last summer. life here has been so strange and ever-changing. there have been no constants. and there are so many tiny freedoms that i miss. i am a better person now. a stronger person. i feel that i can finally go out for a drink here and there and begin to re-establish my social life, safely. i deserve it. since january first i have mainly kept to myself except a hang out here and there and for my little weekend escapes. i'm indifferent towards it really, the being alone. enough time has not passed that i can't still smell the loneliness and desperation that lingered heavily on my being, at a time when i was constantly surrounded by others.

who was that girl?

who were those people?

this tragedy is misunderstood. and i'm ok with that.

so much adventure lies in my midst. so much life that will be lived fully, this year.

...

envy of solitude and distant noise. my lack thereof causes me to question my life again. question everything. i will probably never stop. i've given up the misconceived notion of right and wrong decisions. as long as you are doing something rather than nothing you can't be but so wrong. every path you take will eventually lead you astray, its only a matter of when and where this will occur.

suffocating in my life with b. seems so far gone. i can no longer grasp any reality in what it was. my body ached and my heart constantly raced, but both for matters only of poor health, not like or lust and certainly not love. my life before that i can barely even recall. its so unfamiliar now. the faces have come and gone. memories i can see but not feel, like they are not my own.

my decisions changed so suddenly i'm not even sure what lies at the heart of my reasoning. the truth is, i could stay or leave this place. the uncertainty is why.

my money is gone and so is my guard.

but i was so certain before...

"everything is temporary"

solitude is glorious. but so is your company. there are no reasons. trust is so hard to come by in others and in myself. there seems to exist a slight barrier that i long to break. why is this?

my frustration does not lie in my lack of answers. only in my lack of questions.



sometimes i like to make lists of insignificant things to do, simply for the joy of crossing them off.

so much writers block lately.

i begin to write with the intention of finding my point, finding my questions so that i may begin to find the answers, but twenty minutes later and i again have not succeeded.

maybe i just need to stop trying to understand everything.

just let it be.


well, my tummy is grumbly and still no point has arisen. so i shall rise instead, and carry myself to the peanut butter and honey sandwich sitting on my desk over there...and then jump onto mr. fyodor.





oh yeah.

someone eating at my work tonight actually said,

"last week we flew to paris just to have lunch and came right back!"

what the fuck.

my elbow pit hurts from donating plasma again for a quick buck and i jumped for joy at the sight of camel cigarette coupons in the mail when i got home from work....

and i like it that way.