"Why did I allow myself to be bored ever in the past and to compenesate for it got high or drunk or rages or all the tricks people have because they want anything but serene understanding of just what there is, which is after all, so much..." -Jack Kerouac
coming to some realizations in life.
too much of a good thing has made a good thing a bad thing...
and i'm too young for it to be a bad thing.
alot is changing all at once. actually i think it has been changing for awhile, i've just been too caught up trying to pretend that its the same to notice. life's not bad. but it could definitly be better. and has been better. and i'm not really sure what went wrong and where and why and that makes it really hard to solve certain things. but anyways i'm picking my ass up and doing something about it slowly but surely. i mean...i'm trying.
thinking back to this time last year....wow.....
the brief move to the beach, all the jobs, the visits to jail, trashed hotels, the drugs, the wild nights with swingers, the plasma banks, the drunken drives, the endless conversation and random adventure, the random hookups, the skipping court, the car crashes, the hospital visits, the people, the places, the rip offs, the skeet skeet ridiculousness, the cases upon cases of beer, the crackhead neighbors, the insane laughter, the ramen noodles and scrambled eggs.....oh god i loved it. haha. i was constantly living and actually feeling real and alive and experiencing and appreciating and all of those actions that make life something rather than nothing. i mean maybe they weren't the greatest decisions i've ever made but i've got memories and stories for days. and sweet jesus it was overall a fucking blast and liberating as hell. then back to pittsburgh and well ever since things just kind of got blah. it was like taking a million steps backward from one step i had taken forward. and its been alot of working for a lot of financial catching up and making up for things. and drinking. and drinking. and drinking. and well, it hasn't really been fun.... at all. a few nights here and there but not so much these days. who knows why. so now that i'm starting to level out and get on top of things despite the stress of starting over...not so much that....but the stress of starting over on my own this time.
i guess i'll redetermine the plans for my life. put the bottle down a bit...but you know i love my drinking like i love sunshine and polar bears. rebuild myself. rebuild some friendships, or at least a couple of key ones. get back to being free and fabulous and on the road because that's where i belong. not buried in a pile of snow all winter in pittsburgh, pennsylvania wishing i was anywhere else but doing nothing real about it.
kerouac saves lives :-)
also, just started reading the electric kool-aid acid test recommended to me by a complete stranger actually.
so far i like. :-)
umm anywho....i named this mini set 'understanding in a coffee house window'. its from last summer or something. i thought i'd give you some viewing pleasure.
"Everything in everybody's life is...significant. And everybody is alert, watching for the meanings. And the vibrations. There is no end of vibrations."
-Tom Wolfe
coming to some realizations in life.
too much of a good thing has made a good thing a bad thing...
and i'm too young for it to be a bad thing.
alot is changing all at once. actually i think it has been changing for awhile, i've just been too caught up trying to pretend that its the same to notice. life's not bad. but it could definitly be better. and has been better. and i'm not really sure what went wrong and where and why and that makes it really hard to solve certain things. but anyways i'm picking my ass up and doing something about it slowly but surely. i mean...i'm trying.
thinking back to this time last year....wow.....
the brief move to the beach, all the jobs, the visits to jail, trashed hotels, the drugs, the wild nights with swingers, the plasma banks, the drunken drives, the endless conversation and random adventure, the random hookups, the skipping court, the car crashes, the hospital visits, the people, the places, the rip offs, the skeet skeet ridiculousness, the cases upon cases of beer, the crackhead neighbors, the insane laughter, the ramen noodles and scrambled eggs.....oh god i loved it. haha. i was constantly living and actually feeling real and alive and experiencing and appreciating and all of those actions that make life something rather than nothing. i mean maybe they weren't the greatest decisions i've ever made but i've got memories and stories for days. and sweet jesus it was overall a fucking blast and liberating as hell. then back to pittsburgh and well ever since things just kind of got blah. it was like taking a million steps backward from one step i had taken forward. and its been alot of working for a lot of financial catching up and making up for things. and drinking. and drinking. and drinking. and well, it hasn't really been fun.... at all. a few nights here and there but not so much these days. who knows why. so now that i'm starting to level out and get on top of things despite the stress of starting over...not so much that....but the stress of starting over on my own this time.
i guess i'll redetermine the plans for my life. put the bottle down a bit...but you know i love my drinking like i love sunshine and polar bears. rebuild myself. rebuild some friendships, or at least a couple of key ones. get back to being free and fabulous and on the road because that's where i belong. not buried in a pile of snow all winter in pittsburgh, pennsylvania wishing i was anywhere else but doing nothing real about it.
kerouac saves lives :-)
also, just started reading the electric kool-aid acid test recommended to me by a complete stranger actually.
so far i like. :-)
umm anywho....i named this mini set 'understanding in a coffee house window'. its from last summer or something. i thought i'd give you some viewing pleasure.
"Everything in everybody's life is...significant. And everybody is alert, watching for the meanings. And the vibrations. There is no end of vibrations."
-Tom Wolfe