rexall

i'm not sure what is difficult about some things... if i do not respond to your text message then i obviously do not want to talk to you. what do river's friends not get about that? thank you for giving me the space i need but just seeing your number pop up in my phone is starting to make my insides crumble and my heart hurt. maybe it is not an adult thing to do when you decide you can no longer have mutual friends... maybe i'm acting like a child... but i am still in self preservation. these are my choices and i don't understand why people can't respect that. it's been months... if i wanted to talk to you i would... instead i deleted your numbers (fuck me being the human phone book) and it scares me when those numbers appear.

i want to move on. i want to be happy. but these moments just bring it all back and it's crushing. CRUSHING. i feel like i'm drowning. and as happy as some people make me, they also have the ability to make me hurt too. and it's not important enough to tell them that or maybe i'm just too okay with being hurt. but i don't really feel i have the right to say things to some people cus really? i'm here. he's there. so be it. however, i'm probably going to start doing the same thing back and see what happens.

panicky, constricted, shaky, and so so so sad.

tonight i will cook and make cupcakes for my friends. and dance around to loud music and laugh loudly. and pretend that being without him doesn't hurt anymore. sigh.