rexall

And my period came a week early. Fucking kill me. No wonder I was eating like a beast. And now my appetite will be gone and I can go back to normal.

This is what I get for astronomical stress. And maybe being a bit of a whore. I know I'm single and all and can enjoy life but I really wasn't interested in having sex with anyone. And then I did two different people in one week. It's a mind fuck what I put myself through. I cannot separate sex and emotion. I'm not meant to have fuck buddies. The last one I had I spent 7 years with him til he ripped my heart out and fucking smashed it into a million pieces 2 months ago. I'm not ready for sex. I'm not ready for intimacy. I don't even want a relationship. I want to get to know people. I want to figure out who I am. I like tattooed and now I think I fucked it up cus we slept together. That's not what I wanted from him but it was pent up with him. It was going to happen. Who knows maybe it will be okay. Gay Jesus swears tattooed likes me and that it will all work out. I'm a cynic and I hate everyone. I have no trust. None. I don't talk about what's in my head to people that ask, I don't trust people to know things about me. NO TRUST. I have to stop talking to these people. Let them come to me and if they don't well then they can fuck themselves. Or the hot chick that comes along.

And yes I have moments where I'm attractive... sometimes I'm hot. But I have hang-ups. Every girl does. And no it's not all about what is shoved down my throat about what is beautiful, but more about I know what I looked like before I got sick years ago. I have scars and what I say are extra pounds but I'm not really over weight. I'm in my range and I'm fine. But I know what I used to look like naked before hormone treatments and all that jazz. And I'm uncomfortable. Really has nothing to do with models or any of that bullshit. But it's my hang up and telling me I'm beautiful isn't going to change how I feel cus I don't feel beautiful ever. I can honestly go days without looking in a mirror, I'm not fond of the reflection. I'm working on these things. Who knew a vitamin b deficiency could make someone feel so suicidal? That's what I learned yesterday. Two doses of vit b and a multivitamin and I'm doing much better now.

One thing I learned, I still have some skills in the bedroom cus I have been practicing my future cougaring cus these boys are YOUNG. YOUNG. And well they had good times. I guess it is like riding a bike, you never forget. HAHAHA. Two very different experiences with these men, very different.

As shitty as my period showing up today and wrecking my life for the weekend I guess it's better than during finals and comps and my tattoo session next week. But I really need to study and being high on percs is not going to help that at all. Fuck me this blows. I wish it would just skip a month, but then I would freak out I was pregnant cus well I had sex.

No more sex. None.