rexall

Is there a reason that 2010 is trying to kill me? If I give someone my birth information can you explain this astrologically? There was drama at grampa's today - which I hope to something gets worked out. I get home and I'm in bed with my dogs and episodes of dexter and gay jesus calls. One of my favorite people at school has sickle cell. They told her she would never make it to 30. Today is her 30th birthday. Her cousin took her for a massage to celebrate. They think she had an aneurysm on the table. She is currently in the ICU and they think she might be brain dead. I cannot handle this. I cannot handle another hospital visit to watch someone I love leave this world again, this year. I know she won't be in pain anymore but I cannot handle this. I am selfish. I know this. I cannot imagine what her family is going through - no that's not true - I know exactly what they are going through. I did it 6 months ago, 7 months ago in a short few days.

And I call River, cus I don't turn to anyone else. To essentially be told I'm dead to him. I fucked up so bad. SO BAD. He's sorry for everything that happened today but he needs space. And maybe in a few months things will change but for now he wants nothing, absolutely NOTHING to do with me. He moved out 2 days ago. I have never been alone before. I haven't been without him in 7 years. I don't know how to be on my own. I don't know how to be by myself. I don't know who I am without him. And I fucking hate being home. I hate coming home and knowing he won't be here at the end of the day.

I know I will get through all this. I am strong. I am very strong. But really? What the fuck is up with this year? I'm beginning to understand why people commit suicide. I'm beginning to feel like I'm completely alone in the world. And now I need to go fix myself. I started to hyperventilate earlier. I just really can't handle all this anymore.

****And to add... If I wanted to look around on sites that feature stick figure models with their ribs sticking out, with no piercings and cutesy tattoos I would go over to Playboy. This is ridiculous. The model selection and the photo selection is really making me ill on this site. I came to this site because it made me feel good about myself and what I put out into the world... it has just become another site that makes me feel like my curves and what I have to offer is of no good and it makes me feel fat. Fuck this. I'm definitely not renewing in January.***