Ok again im here because this is my only safe world, where people like me are all around, and i can just be real and not have to worry that i will have people trying to make me think like they want me to think and me having to humor them while i roll my eyes.
So if you read this, thank you, if you comment, thanks tenfold.
If you have known me over the years you know what type of guy i am, and my persistent and somewhat unsolvable issue with finding a partner in life.
Well things are starting to condense and, well its creating a unique situation.
I am a thinker, i am a write, a poet, a hopeless romantic, but my reality is downright depressing in some aspects, so I dive head first into dozens of pointless, non productive things to keep me from thinking too much.
I turned 32 this year, i have only had one girlfriend in my entire life. I am not interested in one night stands, or in using someone to relieve a physical need. So i have basically been alone the rest of the time. Lost in all the stuff i do.
I had been living at my grandparents house, this allowed me to basically do whatever i wanted with my money. Buy stuff, party, eat wherever i wanted, travel. Well they have passed and I will be moving to my own place for the first time since 2004 when i left college, and this will be the first time i will be footing the bill solo. This along with the fact that i haven't received a raise that i was promised over two years ago. And that my friends have planed this hyper trip in January to Orlando, FL, well my finances have come into sharp focus.
Basically, the financial party is over, its time to grow up and tighten my belt and start spending my money like a good big adult.
So what is the point of this entire rant? Well that this tightening of the belt has me now asking myself before everything that I do if the juice is truly worth the squeeze in an economic sense. So no more going out to restaurants alone, no more partying alone, no more wandering the streets just bar hopping and waiting for kismet, fate, God, or life to help me meet the girl of my dreams, no more anything, just saving and going out if and only if i absolutely have to.
So i now have an overabundance of time and I find myself asking the question, a question or the question... i dont know.... well i am asking myself "where is my joy?" I know i would have joy sharing my life with my equal, my partner, but i dont know where she is or how to win her heart, or well who she is. So I guess i have to be alone. I know how to be alone. I like being alone. I have been alone the greatest majority of my life. Yet i kept trying to meet her, i kept hoping agains hope, ignoring night after night that i would just go out alone and come back home alone, the same thing over and over, like a moron expecting something different, for years. Well I cant do that anymore. So where else is my joy? In writing, in thinking, in playing video games, and watching anime, in reading, all things i do absolutely alone. And you know what I would be fine with that. I could do it, no problem......well no problem except for one single thing. HOW THE HELL DO I MEET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE THAT WAY!?!?!??!?!? HOW DO I HAVE FRIENDS!?!?!? HOW DO I HAVE ANY SEMBLANCE OF A SOCIAL LIFE!?!?!?!?!??!
I could lock myself into my house, stop going out, stop calling people up to hang with them, stop keeping in touch with my friends, just stop it all and do what i did for the greatest majority of the time i was in high school which is be alone and do the things that i like and bring me joy. But i am 32, and if i did that I fear that all hope of a social life, of having friends would just vanish, along with any hope of meeting someone. I could get up, go to work, go to the gym, go home from Monday to Friday. Then shut myself in all weekend long. Do the stuff i want to do. Mind you if the phone rings i would go out with my friends, but still, how many would actually call me? There would be some, they would keep calling and hanging out with me. But i would be doing the same thing that i do every weekend with them. Hang at their homes, play board games, watch movies, eat out, go to the cinema, basically being introduced to no one and providing myself with infinitely less opportunities for fate to intervene. And yet, here I am, in my office at 1AM realizing that I am basically throwing in the towel, half out of necessity, half out of finally having to accept that the juice is not worth the squeeze. That what I have been doing for years is a waste of money. It has been virtually fruitless with very few exceptions.
What the hell do I do? Do I go with the flow and stop going out? Do i rage against it and stubbornly keep going out? Do i go out to a different place? There is an option i havent explored fully, well a couple of more that are batshit crazy. I could go by myself out of town, to the touristy places in hopes of meeting people. Take a book or something to keep entertained. I could drag people along with me to clubs, or out of town, spending money i shouldnt spend anymore, again with no guarantee or inkling that i will succeed. Or again, i could just stay at home, do what comes natural, enjoy it and see what happens.
I dont know, but it all feels really depressing.
What should I do SG land?