resa

I feel really nervous and crappy today. I haven't been myself lately at all. I just feel really bitter because of what happened. I was in love with chris. We were together. When you are in love, you are blind. I think maybe the reason I stayed with him other than just for love is because our relationship was nowhere near like my parents. I accepted that. I don't think much of myself.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day(Liz), and she brought a very good point to my attention. She said that the people you love the most, and also the ones you fight with the most. To me that means if someone truely cares about you they are going to tell you exactly what they are thinking or feeling nomatter what your reaction is going to be, and trust that you will be there nomatter what especially if they are honest with you. Somewhere in the past I fuct up with that. I had this friend who really seemed to trust me, and I blew it because she was honest with me. The truth hurt too much, and I broke her trust by banishing her from my life(not once but twice). I didn't even tell her to her face. That is the worst, cruelest thing you could do to anyone. I don't deserve someone in my life like that. I'm not used to anyone telling me their every thought. I couldn't handle it. Now because of this I do not trust anyone. I am not close to anyone. I mean sure that isn't the only reason. There were other things leading up to this in my life. Like my father who was an alcoholic. I am just so scared. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I really miss those people, and regret what I did to them. I blame myself, but I know that I am not the only one who played a part in things. Everyone had their roles. I could have put a stop to it, and I really wish I would have. I've learned one of the most important lessons in my life because of all of this. You cannot take people for granted, especially the ones you fight with all the time, because they are the ones who know u best, and they are the ones you love the most, and the ones who love you the most.(whether they admit it or not)