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A How-To Guide for the Enjoyment of Monster-Free Wilderness Experiences.

Introduction

In this guide the avoidance of several monsters is covered. Particular attention is paid to the techniques required to prevent encounters with Sasquatch type monsters, but the guidelines presented herein can be effectively applied to the avoidance of many of the most common wilderness and campground monsters, including: bears, giant bugs, space aliens, hippies, and fat guys.

The "Monster Pile"

The most useful and frequently employed example of a monster avoidance technique that applies to all common monsters is the Monster Pile. The construction of a Monster Pile is one of the most important tasks to accomplish before settling in for the night. Very often, the sight alone of a Monster Pile is enought to frighten off even the most horrible monsters. The Monster Pile is a pile of wood that can be thrown on the dying embers of a campfire to ward off monsters. It is well a documented fact that monsters of all types are frightened by fire. A pile of wood set aside for use when monster noises awaken the camper comprises a key tool in the prevention of being eaten.

This method and many others are detailed in Section One: Universal Monster Avoidance Techniques. While the information in Section One can be successfully applied to the avoidance of Sasquatches, Section Two deals with this particular monster in great detail. Section Three covers some of the techniques that have been tailored to the avoidance of specific non-Sasquatch monster types. What follows is a list of examples from Section Three:

Bears: The "leave your food at home" theory of camping

Giant Bugs: Practical use and safety considerations of giant bugspray

Space Aliens: Do-it-yourself anus sealing

Hippies: Mastering the "We have no pot!" cry

Fat Guys: The "leave your food at home" theory of camping revisited