high everybody, sorry i haven't been around so much lately, but i have a couple of valid excuses/reasons...:
1. i don't pay for internet access; i pirate a wireless signal that seems to be off more than on, but more importantly...
2. my outsides feel like they are being sucked inside a hole in my soul. idle time is the devil's plaything, and i've had way too much down time. the last day i worked was 9.25.08, due to a horribly impressive lower back injury at the brewery. while i was lifting up one-side of the hop back, which is a very large and heavy piece of equipment, my L4-L5 disk bulged out 2cm into my right sciatica nerve, and then down another 2mm before it broke/busted into tiny pieces. maui brewing company denied the fact that i got hurt at work, so i had to take them to court to get my workers comp approved. finally, 8.5 months later, i began physical therapy, which is making me very sore, but it's more like necessary painful growth.
in the meantime, i have become pretty depressed. i can't do a lot of things i want to be doing. i feel pretty worthless since i can't contribute much to society, which makes me feel like i have nothing to contribute to a relationship either. i am surrounded by a group of good friends, but i feel a lot more alone now than i ever have before. for some reason beyond my comprehension, i am still having a hard time getting prescriptions filled and chiropractic massages approved.
i have been drinking everyday. i don't get drunk everyday, but do more than not, and when i do, i usually black out. i wake up a lot of mornings and don't remember how i got home the night before. i know the muscle relaxers have a major part of that, which is the only thing i am taking, but these black outs aren't really anything new. i asked my doctor not to give me anymore opiates because of my past heroin addiction, which she did. but i still have some of the 10mg norco left, not to mention valium, and i've abused them since. i recently ran out of the xanax, due to said abuse. i don't get any of those prescribed to me now, but i feel like i want them to be.
it has been over 10 years since i used heroin last, but it has been in the back of my mind ever since. this is what they meant when they said, "once an addict, always an addict." i'm glad i don't know where to find it, but a demon inside me is dying to find out. this demon is my evil gemini twin, or my alter ego, and i can feel him tugging away inside, trying to get out and take over. this scares me terribly, as nothing good comes out of it, but i find myself caring less and less, and giving up more and more.
i don't know what i need right now. i definitely know what i do not need, but i can't say that i would turn it down if it were offered to me right now. i guess i need a LOT of strength right now, as this is definitely a major weakness for me during these times. i have recently found myself listening to the soundtracks of my heroin days, like nin's downward spiral, pink floyd's the wall, korn's life is peachy, machine of loving grace's gilt, alice in chains' dirt, marilyn manson's portrait of an american family and antichrist superstar, etc. all of it is self loathing and medicating, which is exactly where my minds is at.
i am in need of a major head check right about now, as i am in many different forms of pain, though i only know of one way to kill them all immediately, and quite possibly even myself. i don't want to die or kill myself intentionally, but i'm not afraid of death either, which sometimes causes me to gamble with it. let's just hope i have a winning hand...
1. i don't pay for internet access; i pirate a wireless signal that seems to be off more than on, but more importantly...
2. my outsides feel like they are being sucked inside a hole in my soul. idle time is the devil's plaything, and i've had way too much down time. the last day i worked was 9.25.08, due to a horribly impressive lower back injury at the brewery. while i was lifting up one-side of the hop back, which is a very large and heavy piece of equipment, my L4-L5 disk bulged out 2cm into my right sciatica nerve, and then down another 2mm before it broke/busted into tiny pieces. maui brewing company denied the fact that i got hurt at work, so i had to take them to court to get my workers comp approved. finally, 8.5 months later, i began physical therapy, which is making me very sore, but it's more like necessary painful growth.
in the meantime, i have become pretty depressed. i can't do a lot of things i want to be doing. i feel pretty worthless since i can't contribute much to society, which makes me feel like i have nothing to contribute to a relationship either. i am surrounded by a group of good friends, but i feel a lot more alone now than i ever have before. for some reason beyond my comprehension, i am still having a hard time getting prescriptions filled and chiropractic massages approved.
i have been drinking everyday. i don't get drunk everyday, but do more than not, and when i do, i usually black out. i wake up a lot of mornings and don't remember how i got home the night before. i know the muscle relaxers have a major part of that, which is the only thing i am taking, but these black outs aren't really anything new. i asked my doctor not to give me anymore opiates because of my past heroin addiction, which she did. but i still have some of the 10mg norco left, not to mention valium, and i've abused them since. i recently ran out of the xanax, due to said abuse. i don't get any of those prescribed to me now, but i feel like i want them to be.
it has been over 10 years since i used heroin last, but it has been in the back of my mind ever since. this is what they meant when they said, "once an addict, always an addict." i'm glad i don't know where to find it, but a demon inside me is dying to find out. this demon is my evil gemini twin, or my alter ego, and i can feel him tugging away inside, trying to get out and take over. this scares me terribly, as nothing good comes out of it, but i find myself caring less and less, and giving up more and more.
i don't know what i need right now. i definitely know what i do not need, but i can't say that i would turn it down if it were offered to me right now. i guess i need a LOT of strength right now, as this is definitely a major weakness for me during these times. i have recently found myself listening to the soundtracks of my heroin days, like nin's downward spiral, pink floyd's the wall, korn's life is peachy, machine of loving grace's gilt, alice in chains' dirt, marilyn manson's portrait of an american family and antichrist superstar, etc. all of it is self loathing and medicating, which is exactly where my minds is at.
i am in need of a major head check right about now, as i am in many different forms of pain, though i only know of one way to kill them all immediately, and quite possibly even myself. i don't want to die or kill myself intentionally, but i'm not afraid of death either, which sometimes causes me to gamble with it. let's just hope i have a winning hand...
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
niobe:
The biggest hugs! I ♥ you! *HUGS*
bettybruises:
*big hugs* i was unemployed for a few months and it killed me, so i can only imagine how you feel. the best i can say is try to stay psoitive and try to find some sort of outlet, maybe writing?? music? the creative stuff always helps me to deal with my inner demons 
best of luck!
best of luck!